The great "No New Stuff" project.

I don't quite remember where I originally read it (my friend C's FB?), but it seemed like a great idea at the time: try to buy nothing new for a whole year. There are a few exceptions of course- food, household sundries, and underwear were from the original plan. I need to add a few of my own too.

1. Work shoes. I'm still searching for the perfect pair as I slowly lose all feeling in my feet. The concrete floor at work is absolutely brutal on them. As I told my Co-worker, I'd sell my cats, her kid, and illegal substances for the right shoes. So I'll definitely pay premium prices if I could find some.

2. A deep sale. Got an item I needed for 75% off. Hey if they're gonna "give" it away, and it's actually on my list, then i'm going for it. This does not count towards "wants", just "needs".

3. Art/school supplies. I will, of course, try to find used or alternative items first. But if I can't, I can't.

So I'm going to give this a shot for a year, then reflect and reevaluate. No new clothes, books, dust collectors, etc. I'm going to have to be more creative with gifts as well.

2012 in Review & 2013 Projections

It's tough to organize ones thoughts when one has imbibed some celebratory alcohol.

~~~

And that is why I had to continue this the next day! LOL.

Review-

It's been a surprising year (technically two years but that's an issue I don't want to get into right now.) Early in the year I went back to school, not knowing what I was going for or where it would lead, I just needed to feel like I was moving forward. I met some truly incredible people who've stuck around in my life and have brightened so many corners. I am eternally grateful for new friends and old friends that stuck.

I also ended a 10 year friendship with R, someone I thought I was incredibly close with and who understood me and whom I understood. I tried to end it as friendly as possible, with newly found boundaries I insisted on consisting of kindness,consideration, and reciprocation. What I got in return was vilification and cruelty. Had that always been there and I just didn't see it? Or had that developed during our separation due to outside influences? I'll never know and that's ok, because I just don't need that kind of energy in my life. I'm thankful to have had him part of my life, if only as an example of what not to do and who not to trust, and the changes in myself that came about from losing that close friendship are positive ones, so I'll just concentrate on gratitude.

I finally got a job, after 2 years of looking, thanks to a little nepotism on the part of my cousin. And I'll take it. Survival means having to swallow that bitter pill called Pride sometimes. It pays for crap and the hours suck since it's only part time, but the people are real gems, and that in itself is something to be grateful for as working for/with horrible people can be a poop storm not worth swimming in.

And my divorce with D creeps ever so slowly forward as well. Talk about really understanding the term "bittersweet". I'm excited about my new life, scared to death of the loss of my old one (as well as just survival issues), nervous about taking care of myself, and sad...lots of sad. I truly want him to be happy, and me not miserable, and I hope we can work out a way both of those can be a truth at the same time.

And to bridge this post, I have to mention L. Meeting him has been the most beautiful part of my year. He inspires me every day to be a better person. And I hope that continues through 2013 and beyond.

Which brings me to projections-

Health: Continued diet tweaks and increased exercise regimes. Especially since I am planning to run a half marathon in May. Which, is nuts, since I am incredibly unfit and have never even run a 5 or 10k. I'm insane. Oh well, trying is more important than succeeding.

Wealth: Not sure wtf to do about that honestly. I *could* look for another job that is full time, or a part time that works with my current part time, but I don't know if either would accomidate full time school as well. I'm not a kid with endless energy anymore so I don't think I can do too much more than I am. So maybe work on that Etsy shop and my art?! Which leads me to...

Art: Yes. A lot of projects under my wings that I need to get a move on. I say that every year but it's finally gotten to the point where I need to shit or get off the pot. Seriously. And I know it. I need work to sell, and I need work for a portfolio.

School: Thankfully, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up! :P That is a load off my mind.

Family/Friends: I'd like to be closer to my brother, my cousins, my adopted mom, and my aunt. I'd like to spend more time with my friends. I need to work out how to combine these things with the other things I need to do.

Those are my main areas of worry for 2013. Anything else is just frosting on my cake. Or ka'ak as my brother would say.

A New Day :)

I'd hidden this blog away, ashamed of many things, especially who I was...which, in the end, is a disservice to myself, because everything that happened, good or bad, has made me who I am today. And I really LIKE who I am today.

I thought about starting over, wiping the slate clean so to speak. But why? I have a perfectly usable blog here! I spent the last hour going back to the beginning. I've drafted a few things that just didn't need to be in the blogosphere. But reading back on my posts I really did learn a few things about myself. I was depressed and depressing. I was harder on myself than I ever need to be. I'm both smarter and nerdier than I give myself credit for. And oh my, how I've changed. It's good to see and feel the difference.

So, yes, let's do this! It will be a new start...a real one this time, because I am a new person :)

Sex Toy

Sex Toy

You don't want me.
You never did.
The ability to "get it up" for me
Is not the need to be joined,
With my heart beating against yours,
Tempo'd to each other.
How long were your love-words empty,
Uttered without your brain engaged
Or your soul intact?
How many times
Was I the friendly depository
Of your needful emissions?
Maybe my love wasn't what you thought
It should be,
But it was still yours, as broken as it was...
Gift-wrapped in the comics section,
Ripped and repaired in duct tape.
You did me a disservice-
Taking without giving,
Using me with well-intentioned excuses.
You did yourself a worse wrong,
Wasting your life and your time
On someone you valued so little.
You should have bought a blow-up doll -
You'd have been happier.

Ownership

Excerpt from my physical journal:

I have identified as "abused". Emotionally (verbal and neglect), sexually, physically. Being a victim has been an embraced identity. A way to collect compassion. Even a way to excuse my short-comings..."Oh, she was abused, so it's ok that she doesn't try, is lazy, failed..." A way to set myself up for low expectations.

If I'm a victim, then I don't have to try because I have a million inner struggles to overcome. If I'm a victim, then failing, or being a failure, is ok. If I'm a victim, then my failures and negativeness aren't even mine, they were forced on me by someone else. My meanness, pettiness, manipulating, jealous, lying, greedy, materialistic, hateful, clingy, suffocating, aloof, cold, angry, shallow feelings aren't mine.

But they are.

Today I claim them. I'm dragging them from the "Lost & Found". These belong to me. I'm not trying to put myself down. This isn't a pity party. If they really weren't mine, but forced on me, then I could pity myself. But they are mine. They are me. I am mean and petty and manipulating and jealous and lying and greedy and materialistic and hateful and clingy and suffocating and aloof and cold and angry and shallow. By claiming these emotions I am accepting them. By accepting them I am taking control.

Just because I am these, that is not all that I am. By owning these, I am also every opposite, because each one is just the other side of another emotion; a two-sided coin.

If I am mean then I am also sweet. And I am. If I am petty, then I am also far-seeing, looking at the big picture. And I am. If I am manipulating, then I am also able to let go. And I am. If I am jealous, then I am also unconditionally loving. And I am. If I am a liar, then I am also a light for the truth. And I am. If I am greedy, then I am also generous. And I am. If I am materialistic, then I am also esoteric and spiritual. And I am. If I am hateful, then I am also full of love. And I am. If I am clingy, then I can also grant myself and others the capacity to be themselves. And I do. If I am suffocating, then I am also the giver of breath, helping to ease the pains of life. And I am. If I am aloof, then I am also warmly welcoming. And I am. If I am cold, then I am also passionate. And I am. If I am angry, then I am also forgiving. And I am. If I am shallow, then I also have endless depths to explore. And I do. And I am both sides of the coin.

Every emotion, bad or good, is mine to control, when I can. And when I can't, the memory that on the other side of the coin is it's best opposite, should hold me in it's embrace til I can feel that gentle, joyful face again.

New Year

Bringing in the new year the same way I came into life. Alone. But am I really? Dog sitting Mai's dogs...3 of the little rascals. And her cat. I might be on the mind of one or two ppl.

But it's ok.

It's absolutely amazing how swiftly life changes. Better? Worse? Sometimes it's hard to tell. Both but really it's the light you view it in. Even "worse" is just a lesson. And you don't see what lesson it's trying to teach you til you get to that "ah-ha!" moment. But it never stops. You get to that moment and it's already started teaching you a new lesson and you never even know. Not til you get another "ah-ha!" moment.

I just hope that the harder the lesson = the bigger the reward. If that's the case I'm due for some lottery sized reward here. lol (yes, i know it doesn't really work that way. I'm not "due" anything I haven't worked my ass off towards.)

Happy New Year to me. I expect a lot of changes to come.

My Happiness Manifesto

1. Be thankful for what went well at the end of each day.

2. Perform random acts of kindness.

3. Exercise.

4. Show gratitude.

5. Tell my self positive affirmations.

6. Choose to be more positive.

7. Be more in the 'here' and less in the past or my "stories" of the future.

8. Meditate.

9. Give more attention to my pets!

10. Do something to work towards my goals.