Life is a Rollercoaster.

Or maybe it's more like a ski slalom? All down hill.

I don't want to be depressed or depressing. But I'm the edge and hanging by a hangnail.

I've seen a road for myself, and I thought I was walking it...well, ok, meandering it. But there was a pit, a crevasse, a canyon in the way. And now where I am looking down is a road thats slightly familiar, as if I were walking in circles but the circle is so huge that its been so long since I've been here it's mostly unfamiliar. And it's unfriendly, full of darkness and spiderwebs and jaggedly sharp rocks.

The person I thought I was becoming has to become somebody else for awhile and I'm afraid I'll lose sight of the person I want to be. I'll fall into this facade and the facade will become reality.

It's weird how finding out that someones view of you, a view totally different than you expected, can change your view of yourself. I thought I was becoming someone my mother would be proud of and instead, no matter what I do to make up for past mistakes, it's like my misdeeds are always imprinted on my forehead. And she can't see past em. And I've tried for years not to care, but I can't seem to turn it off.

And it's so dark. So dark. I can't see the light anymore and I am falling. Falling into the dark. Falling off of the path. Always falling.

I don't want to move. And I want to move. But moving means leaving a lot of my memories forever. Leaving behind things that have been around since my first memories...and things aren't important...but they are. How do you say goodbye to things that have life because your memories give it life?

I don't want to be on this ride anymore. Let me off here.

Saying Goodbyes

We're seriously thinking of moving out of San Diego...which is kind of funny since we worked so hard to come back here after the Hubby got out of the Air Force. Being away, there were places I missed here, but coming back, I find it was the memories created in such places I missed more.

I know there will be places I miss again (mostly eating establishments!), but I find I am more than ready for new experiences and new adventures.

And ready to get ahead in life instead of just breaking even! The cost of living here is insane. Maybe it's true what my pessimistic side says...that no matter where we live, the cost of living will always outmatch the income. Yeah, maybe I am fooling myself...but all I want to have is a nice house to live in while in a good neighborhood, weather that doesn't make me want to kill myself 80% of the year, to be able to afford groceries every month, and maybe some left over for art supplies? Is that too much to ask?!!

But I digress. The purpose of this post was a thought I had to go out and take pictures of San Diego for the rest of the year, each with a purpose of saying goodbye...and that thought chained itself- what if we took every picture with that thought...would they be more meaningful? What if we lived every moment with that thought? Would it make life be more precious? Or would it just be a terrible sadness to bear all the time?

Well, I can't answer my own question. But I can start with pictures of San Diego and work from there.