Sex Toy

Sex Toy

You don't want me.
You never did.
The ability to "get it up" for me
Is not the need to be joined,
With my heart beating against yours,
Tempo'd to each other.
How long were your love-words empty,
Uttered without your brain engaged
Or your soul intact?
How many times
Was I the friendly depository
Of your needful emissions?
Maybe my love wasn't what you thought
It should be,
But it was still yours, as broken as it was...
Gift-wrapped in the comics section,
Ripped and repaired in duct tape.
You did me a disservice-
Taking without giving,
Using me with well-intentioned excuses.
You did yourself a worse wrong,
Wasting your life and your time
On someone you valued so little.
You should have bought a blow-up doll -
You'd have been happier.

Ownership

Excerpt from my physical journal:

I have identified as "abused". Emotionally (verbal and neglect), sexually, physically. Being a victim has been an embraced identity. A way to collect compassion. Even a way to excuse my short-comings..."Oh, she was abused, so it's ok that she doesn't try, is lazy, failed..." A way to set myself up for low expectations.

If I'm a victim, then I don't have to try because I have a million inner struggles to overcome. If I'm a victim, then failing, or being a failure, is ok. If I'm a victim, then my failures and negativeness aren't even mine, they were forced on me by someone else. My meanness, pettiness, manipulating, jealous, lying, greedy, materialistic, hateful, clingy, suffocating, aloof, cold, angry, shallow feelings aren't mine.

But they are.

Today I claim them. I'm dragging them from the "Lost & Found". These belong to me. I'm not trying to put myself down. This isn't a pity party. If they really weren't mine, but forced on me, then I could pity myself. But they are mine. They are me. I am mean and petty and manipulating and jealous and lying and greedy and materialistic and hateful and clingy and suffocating and aloof and cold and angry and shallow. By claiming these emotions I am accepting them. By accepting them I am taking control.

Just because I am these, that is not all that I am. By owning these, I am also every opposite, because each one is just the other side of another emotion; a two-sided coin.

If I am mean then I am also sweet. And I am. If I am petty, then I am also far-seeing, looking at the big picture. And I am. If I am manipulating, then I am also able to let go. And I am. If I am jealous, then I am also unconditionally loving. And I am. If I am a liar, then I am also a light for the truth. And I am. If I am greedy, then I am also generous. And I am. If I am materialistic, then I am also esoteric and spiritual. And I am. If I am hateful, then I am also full of love. And I am. If I am clingy, then I can also grant myself and others the capacity to be themselves. And I do. If I am suffocating, then I am also the giver of breath, helping to ease the pains of life. And I am. If I am aloof, then I am also warmly welcoming. And I am. If I am cold, then I am also passionate. And I am. If I am angry, then I am also forgiving. And I am. If I am shallow, then I also have endless depths to explore. And I do. And I am both sides of the coin.

Every emotion, bad or good, is mine to control, when I can. And when I can't, the memory that on the other side of the coin is it's best opposite, should hold me in it's embrace til I can feel that gentle, joyful face again.

New Year

Bringing in the new year the same way I came into life. Alone. But am I really? Dog sitting Mai's dogs...3 of the little rascals. And her cat. I might be on the mind of one or two ppl.

But it's ok.

It's absolutely amazing how swiftly life changes. Better? Worse? Sometimes it's hard to tell. Both but really it's the light you view it in. Even "worse" is just a lesson. And you don't see what lesson it's trying to teach you til you get to that "ah-ha!" moment. But it never stops. You get to that moment and it's already started teaching you a new lesson and you never even know. Not til you get another "ah-ha!" moment.

I just hope that the harder the lesson = the bigger the reward. If that's the case I'm due for some lottery sized reward here. lol (yes, i know it doesn't really work that way. I'm not "due" anything I haven't worked my ass off towards.)

Happy New Year to me. I expect a lot of changes to come.

My Happiness Manifesto

1. Be thankful for what went well at the end of each day.

2. Perform random acts of kindness.

3. Exercise.

4. Show gratitude.

5. Tell my self positive affirmations.

6. Choose to be more positive.

7. Be more in the 'here' and less in the past or my "stories" of the future.

8. Meditate.

9. Give more attention to my pets!

10. Do something to work towards my goals.

Happy Thanksgiving

"The compassionate mind is very important. Fear, anger, jealousy are based on a self-centered attitude. By developing a sense of caring for others' well-being your heart automatically opens and that brings transparency, straightforwardness and honesty, which leads to friendship. We are social animals, and one individual's survival relies entirely on the rest of the community." ~Dalai Lama

Confused

That I would be loved...or not.

I don't think I've ever felt so alone since I was 13.

It's amazing how much emotional pain a human being can take. Sometimes I have to just..breath through it. Take it into my body, from my body, all around and inside and just...channel it through to nothing.

Everything seems disjointed. Unreal. Partial thoughts and horrible visions.

How do I go on when everything is wrong?

One day at a time. But even that is sometimes too much. Or not enough. Or both at the same time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. One second of just...nothingness.

Horrible guilt. Rage. Pain. Sorrow. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Jealousy. Anger. Greed. Selfishness. Want. Misery.

One day at a time. Just need to...breath. To hold on. What for? I don't know.

It's late...

...time for bed.

I've been good...cleaning. Slowly. Slower than I should be, but...cleaning!

I've been good and bad. I did go to get my paperwork to get my ID renewed, but didn't grab a second to work on my driver's permit, nor have I turned in the ID paperwork yet. Nor read the driver's handbook.

I've been bad. Need to draw. Paint. Create. I have a deadline now! July!

I've been bad. I have so many blogs planned but skimping on them.

I've been bad. Facebook apps take up several hours of my day...and for what?? At least in WoW I'm forced to socialize.

I've been bad. I need to sign up for school again.

I've been bad. Spent money on things I don't need.

I've been bad.

I don't think I'm getting anything but coal from Santa this year.

The biggest problem with education...

...is that education itself leads to stagnant thought. We are taught, poorly for the most part, that this is the way things are, this is how stuff works,...these are the facts right here. I wonder how much similarity there is to people who were taught that the world is flat, the sun revolves around the earth, diseases are caused by sin against god; will people look back on us in 100 years and exclaim "I can't believe they thought E=mc2!"

We are told to think outside the box (that is, when we're not being told to follow the herd), but even that commercialized cliche could be wrong. What if we need to be thinking outside the hexagon? Or inside the circle? Does anyone who "thinks outside the box" think that by being told to think outside the box that they're still in the box in a box?

Which reminds me of a Tao quote I just read about, by Zhuangzi:

I dreamed I was a butterfly, flitting around in the sky; then I awoke. Now I wonder: Am I a man who dreamt of being a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming that I am a man?

We need Foghorns.

It's a lovely foggy evening. Or morning. Both. I love the fog. The scent of the air. The feeling of being alone in the outside, such a huge space that's so close to touch. Hugging me even. So alone and not alone. And the whole world see's the lights like I do all the time, furry and blurry. Ha!

Obviously I haven't fixed my sleep schedule.

Having an early morning snack of left over chinese food, and reading trashy romance novels. Time to get a little more serious tomorrow. Get to work.

Draw!

Tired Eyes

Another early morning. 4:28 am at this glance. The darkness outside still reflects the pink of my shirt at me. I can feel the cold biting at my toes. And bad pop fills the room from my VH1.

My eyes can barely stay open but I needed to be here. To renew my new vow to be more active on my blogs. Especially this one...the one I need to help me figure out my new road to travel.

Hmm, commercial time. What is it about the denizens of the late evening that says "You guys would adopt these orphans, donate to cure cancer, save all the puppies and kittens from abuse, and shop at Old Navy."

So much to do tomorrow. I have much to prove. To myself.

6 Wants.

* I want my own house.

*I want my own driver's license and a car of my own.

*I want kids before I get too old.

*I want to be able to go to the grocery store and buy food without worrying about a budget.

*I want to be able to sell my art.

*I want to be a useful human being.

That's it. Right now that's all I want out of life.

Illusions.

There must be something wrong with me. I can count on one hand the number of people who seem to care about me, the people who I can trust and turn to. My foundation was my family, but now I stand on ash. I thought I had more friends than that, trusted on it, leaned on it, but it showed itself as a false wall- paper thin and able to withstand...nothing.

Is it others or is it me? I'm easily turned against myself, so I assume it is something lacking in my character. I give too much, expect too much, receive too little.

I'll do what I can to find out what it is in me that drives others away.

In the meantime, I give up on everyone else. I'll wipe the slate clean, write down 5 names. 5 bricks for my wall. I need a big wall, so I'll need more bricks, but I'm going to triple check from now on just exactly what they are made from.

It's Time to Start

Lazing each day away doing what everyone else thinks they want to do- sleeping when I want, waking when I want, gaming all day, not having to work. Isn't this what a lot of people dream about ? But I feel myself getting more depressed each day.

Is this the american hubris? Being depressed for nothing when I have so much to be thankful for? But it's not that I'm not thankful. I don't think one has to do with another. I think about the women in africa who have to get their clits circumcised or the women living in the middle east who have no rights at all...and worse, don't even know they should want those rights (as judged by my american standards), and I am thankful I am living here with..well, relative freedom.

I'm depressed because I know if I were to die tomorrow, I know I would have left nothing to be remembered by. Nothing worthy at all, other than several decades worth of landfill.

And I know there is something wrong in me that seems to drive people away. Shouldn't I have more friends by now? By whose standards I don't know but by estimation of my age group. I should have a house and be driving a car and have some kind of 9 to 5 and 2.5 kids by now. Should...the most hopeless word in the english language.

If I'm not going to be living the life I choose (housewife and artist) then I need to start living the life that will be most useful to my current situation. But getting some job waiting tables or working in retail...I know if I do it now, it'll be the kind of thing I'll be stuck doing for the rest of my life. And that's depressing enough to have me screaming away and living like a bum in the street.

So it's time to start...start at least trying to do what I want to do while I have the opportunity. Tomorrow when I wake up...I am maid and artist for 8 hrs. Just like a real job. Because in the end, that's exactly what I want to be.

I hate fighting.

I think this is one of the worst types of fights because I don't even know what I did wrong. I'm not even mad...just a wounded animal licking the hurts in the dark caverns of her cave.

Something has left my life
And I don’t know where it went to
Somebody caused me strife
And it’s not what I was seeking.

Didn’t you see me, didn’t you hear me
Didn’t you see me standing there

Why did you turn out the lights
Did you know that I was sleeping

Say a prayer for me
Help to feel the strength I did
My identity has been taken
Is my heart breaking on me

All my plans fell though my hands
They fell
Though my hands on me
In my obvious it suddenly seems
Empty

-The Cranberries

Blog Humbug.

I dunno...I just haven't felt like posting. Bummed about my camera problems. Still cleaning up and getting mentally ready for school. Almost on my period so I'm tired and grumpy. Feels like everyone is mad at me/picking on me. Blah.

Stuff `n' more stuff.

Not much to say that's...sequential. Just a lot of random stuff.

Been feeling shitty lately. Randomly violently nauseous. I think it's the meds.

Made an excellent meal tonight. I was so hungry, I couldn't even take the time to take a picture. And it was delicious. I'll have to post the recipe later.

Bought my school books today. Almost $200. I actually save another $110 by having a book already that I needed. Well, kinda saved, since I'd already spent the money on it at some point. Ha!

Starting to get my art room clean...tried to set up my old computer then realized...duh!...I don't have a keyboard for it as it was one I kept using on this comp.

Really starting to get tired of the political spam.

Soup is Good Food.

From Better Homes and Gardens: One Dish Dinners again:

Hamburger-Vegetable Soup

1 lb ground beef or ground pork
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/2 chopped green sweet pepper
4 cups of beef broth
1 cup frozen whole kernel corn
1 7.5oz can chopped tomatoes
1/2 of a 9oz package of frozen lima beans
1/2 cup chopped, peeled potato or 1/2 cup loose-pack frozen hash brown potatoes
1 medium carrot, cut into matchstick-size strips
1 tblsp snipped fresh basil or 1tsp dried basil, crushed
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 bay leaf
1/8 tsp black pepper

• In a large saucepan, cook beef, onion, and sweet pepper until meat is brown and onion is tender. Drain fat.
• Stir in broth, corn, undrained tomatoes, lima beans, potato, carrot, basil, Worcestershire sauce, bay leaf, and black pepper.
• Bring to boiling; reduce heat.
• Cover and simmer for 15 mins. or until vegetables are tender.
• Discard bay leaf and serve.

Well, I used beef. And red pepper because I don't like green peppers. The beef broth was bullion cubes (and when they say 1 cube per 1 cup they really mean it! I tried less because I thought it might be too salty, but it was not flavorful enough with just 4 cubes per 6 cups of water.) And my carrots were not julienned (which didn't match the julienned look of the hash browned potatoes I used; that would have been so much prettier)... I'm just not that good with my knife skills. Plus my knives suck.

But taste wise it was pretty damn good. And I'm ok with lima beans :)

An exercise in frustration.

So I got my usb camera cables today. And...nothing! The computer cannot see it. So either the cable is faulty or my camera is faulty or the usb connector is faulty or the user is faulty. Which means I'm now in the market for a new camera. The one I have is 5 yrs old...and I can still use it as a camera..but I'm unable to manipulate the pics...and someday the card will fill up since I can't erase them and can only print them.

Oh, well, Hubby just checked and he can actually see what's on the card itself and pull stuff off. Coolbeans.

It's still tedious this way.

I need a new camera.

Meh.

On the meds again, I just can't wait to get on the meds again!

Back on the stuff that makes me bleed (Provera) and the stuff thats supposed to regulate my blood sugar (Glucophage). I'd stopped taking it, well, the Glucophage, I forget why now, but now I'm getting back on it. You're not supposed to stop...but I think I just got tired of having diarrhea all the freakin time. I'm gonna go slow again introducing it back to my system...and STAY on it this time. I'm also using cinnamon pills too, which is a natural remedy for my condition. We'll see how that goes.

I need to start planning regular meals too and not just eat when I'm hungry (which generally breaks down to one huge meal a day; not good for my metabolism.) I also have a problem with the late night munchies.

So, on that note, it's 3am and I'm gonna go make a sammich.

Asleep at the Wheel

3am and short on sleep...had a lazy day playing WoW. Cooked some stew I'll post about when I get my usb cord. It was pretty good (lil too beany for me since I'm still teaching myself to like beans.)

It's been raining all day too. I love it. But it makes me sad that I don't live in a place that has more of it. The hubby opened the door a few times tonight and let the cats smell the air and feel the cold and wet. Only Elvis was brave enough (or dumb enough) to try to go out in it. I'm sure he was thinking "Damn, this is nothing. I get sprayed with the squirt bottle more than this!" Elvis is a bad cat. ><

Spent the last three hours watching L.A. Ink and planning my next next grocery shopping excursion.

Time for a drink of cold water then bed.