Random Musings

It's been a very introspective type of day.

I don't know what set me off today but I spent maybe a good hour and a half searching the internet for some sign of an ex and whether or not he married his ex-then-not-ex-girlfriend he dumped me for. It's self mutilation, milling over the possibilities lost and doors never shut, and yet I do this to myself every once in awhile anyway. There was so much hurt involved and I don't know why I can't just let it go. Is it some kind of masochistic gene? Or perhaps, I'm just like a dog, chewing tenaciously on a bone, trying to get the very last bit of flavor out. Pain flavor. And I don't even like marrow.

I like to think that I am not so self centered as to actually believe I am the center of the universe, yet any sign that people that are outside of my existence are moving on with their lives, doing things and experiencing situations without me, makes me experience spasms of intense jealousy. Why can't I just be happy for people?? Envy is an insidious and evil entity.

I've lost, and am losing, friends because of my antisocial behaviors. I go through periods of not wanting to talk to anyone outside of my immediate vicinity. No phone calls. No emails. Nothing. I think people can't understand I don't mean anything mean about it but I just need to be alone with my thoughts. I wish I could explain it better.

I make things harder on myself than they need to be.