Myspace is da debil!

Myspace is evil.

I'm intent on draging my self out of the entrenching mire that is the past...and myspace pulls me back in. I have found so many lost friends- all people I'd never meet up if there was a reunion because I'd be ashamed.

And the worst part is I'm ashamed that I'm ashamed.

Hope is a 20-sided die.

"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof." -Barbara Kingsolver

I think I lost hope a long time ago. The kind of hope where you always think life will get better. Someday, at least one of the many dreams of youth will come true. I don't expect things to be handed to me...but it's like the possibilities, the windows to see the path to the goal, were all broken and boarded up before I even got there.

And yet, I still plug away at this craptageous game called "Life" so maybe there is still an optimist alive in me. Or maybe it's that I finally have a tiny teeny idea of who I might be, what I might want, and where I might need to go...like I've found the highway instead of just a path. Or maybe, in every day that passes, I sense my own mortality looming over me and feel the desire to pick something, anything, before it catches up and overwhelms me.

So maybe I'm not sure what I hope for..but I am finally living in it's shadow and ready to step on in.

Avalanche

/Whine on

I think I've got too much on my plate.

1.) I have a zoo. 3 cats that are starting to stress out at the kitties occupying the front yard and the kitties that have taken over the patio. And soon we're bringing three of those kittens (who have, by the way, taken to dry food very well but haven't yet figured out not to pee on the couch)...anyway, we're bringing three of those kittens inside soon. That will be interesting. And I have a bearded dragon who only eats sometimes. She needs more attention than I have to give her ... well, truth be told, all the pets need more attention than I have to give them. And if I am lucky, I get to spend another I-don't-know-how-much-but-it-will-prolly-be-a-lot amount of money having a custom built cage for her. Assuming she doesn't die from the "not eating" situation.

2.) My house is a dumpster and only gets worse everyday. OK, yes this is most likely half my fault. I'm a messy and lazy person. Not the best combination. And no matter how much I have to do I keep putting it off. Yes, with my lists, I am starting to work on it but there are just some things that I can't handle right away...like getting rid of about 4 couches and 3 chairs. That takes money that I don't have extra right now to rent the trucks to take it away. And to add to that I have two roommates who are happy to make the mess but rarely help cleaning up. The messier it gets the less I want to deal with it.

3.) I am so poor right now. Like silly poor. I owe my mother/landlord almost 4k right now in back rent and the money we borrowed for the car. I had to beg her for school money and now I have to beg her for money for books. The payments I can make to our almost maxed credit cards is getting smaller while the minimum payments are getting larger. We have zero savings. God forbid something happens to one of us. And I owe my roommate money. I hate owing people money.

4.) I am slacking in my art. I am supposed to draw everyday. The only way to improve is to draw everyday. I'm lucky if I get to it twice a week. And with my art classes coming up in school I'm gonna be the sucky person in class. I hate being the suckiest person in class. And speaking of school...

5.) School starts soon. I am going full time with two online classes. I've never done online classes before so there's the stress of doing something out of my element. Then I'll have two art classes which is extra money for art supplies, the stress of comparing myself to others and falling far short, having no time to myself because doing art takes a lot of time and I won't have that time for my own projects.

That's about it right now but I still think that's too many dishes. It's all falling off my plate and starting to dribble on my floor. And I'm out of napkins dammit.

/Whine off

Self Improvement

"Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow Love. Where there is injury, Pardon. Where there is error, Truth. Where there is discord, Harmony. Where there is doubt, Faith. Where there is dispair, Hope. Where there is darkness, Light. Where there is sorrow, Joy." -St. Francis of Assisi

I think I have found the key to my salvation ... lists. Yes, lists! I don't know if getting older makes me forgetful, or maybe I have some kind of pre-Alzheimer condition, or my unconscious mind is leaning towards the laziness my body insists upon therefor I "conveniently" forget to do things, but, I find if I make lists I feel less stressed. Part of that stress is trying to remember everything that needs to be done, thought about, taken care of, emailed, put away, cleaned, bought, replaced, etc and worrying that I've forgotten something that I'll remember at an innapropriate time (like..to buy toilet paper when I am out after I am already sitting on the throne doing my business.) And part of that stress is knowing I forgot something but can't remember no matter how hard I try.

So now I have a notebook just for my lists- lists of chores by most important and broken down room by room, lists of potential art projects and pictures I want to do, lists of things to do to take care of me, lists of people to email or call, lists of things I keep meaning to buy but never remember until I need them. And I feel so much better. Maybe I won't get them all done, but these lists helps me free up some mental chi so I can work on the things that make me the better person St. Francis hopes I will be.

Sadness, Part 1

I haven't really wanted to talk about it...

Cricket passed over the rainbow bridge on July 29th, around 7pm, to the tune of Hotel California.

And, funny enough, her passing seems to have fueled my creative mind. Maybe because I've always tied misery to my creative process ever since needing an escape from my mother's abusive mouth. Poetry then. Art now. And writing..always writing and dreaming and making stories in my head that will probably never get written down now.

And my computer, as of last night, has decided to commit Seppuku. So, I write this on my hubby's comp and spend my other time plowing through the piles of stuff that always seem to accumulate around me...kind of like Pigpen from Peanuts, only the dirt is more solid in the form of books, old mail, snacks, and just mounds of stuff. But back to my computer... omg! Months and months of saved pics, both inspirational and planned acquisitions for potential art. Art I was working on! Tons of recipes that were emailed to me that I saved and hoped to make someday, emails now long gone. At least $100 worth of iTunes videos and music. Notes for story ideas!!! And tons of bookmarks I'll prolly never find again. NOTHING backed up. I want to weep. But I hold it in in the faint hope that I will be able to recover it. But...

"Hope for the best, plan for the worst."