New Year

Bringing in the new year the same way I came into life. Alone. But am I really? Dog sitting Mai's dogs...3 of the little rascals. And her cat. I might be on the mind of one or two ppl.

But it's ok.

It's absolutely amazing how swiftly life changes. Better? Worse? Sometimes it's hard to tell. Both but really it's the light you view it in. Even "worse" is just a lesson. And you don't see what lesson it's trying to teach you til you get to that "ah-ha!" moment. But it never stops. You get to that moment and it's already started teaching you a new lesson and you never even know. Not til you get another "ah-ha!" moment.

I just hope that the harder the lesson = the bigger the reward. If that's the case I'm due for some lottery sized reward here. lol (yes, i know it doesn't really work that way. I'm not "due" anything I haven't worked my ass off towards.)

Happy New Year to me. I expect a lot of changes to come.

My Happiness Manifesto

1. Be thankful for what went well at the end of each day.

2. Perform random acts of kindness.

3. Exercise.

4. Show gratitude.

5. Tell my self positive affirmations.

6. Choose to be more positive.

7. Be more in the 'here' and less in the past or my "stories" of the future.

8. Meditate.

9. Give more attention to my pets!

10. Do something to work towards my goals.

Happy Thanksgiving

"The compassionate mind is very important. Fear, anger, jealousy are based on a self-centered attitude. By developing a sense of caring for others' well-being your heart automatically opens and that brings transparency, straightforwardness and honesty, which leads to friendship. We are social animals, and one individual's survival relies entirely on the rest of the community." ~Dalai Lama

Confused

That I would be loved...or not.

I don't think I've ever felt so alone since I was 13.

It's amazing how much emotional pain a human being can take. Sometimes I have to just..breath through it. Take it into my body, from my body, all around and inside and just...channel it through to nothing.

Everything seems disjointed. Unreal. Partial thoughts and horrible visions.

How do I go on when everything is wrong?

One day at a time. But even that is sometimes too much. Or not enough. Or both at the same time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. One second of just...nothingness.

Horrible guilt. Rage. Pain. Sorrow. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Jealousy. Anger. Greed. Selfishness. Want. Misery.

One day at a time. Just need to...breath. To hold on. What for? I don't know.