Confused

That I would be loved...or not.

I don't think I've ever felt so alone since I was 13.

It's amazing how much emotional pain a human being can take. Sometimes I have to just..breath through it. Take it into my body, from my body, all around and inside and just...channel it through to nothing.

Everything seems disjointed. Unreal. Partial thoughts and horrible visions.

How do I go on when everything is wrong?

One day at a time. But even that is sometimes too much. Or not enough. Or both at the same time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. One second of just...nothingness.

Horrible guilt. Rage. Pain. Sorrow. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Jealousy. Anger. Greed. Selfishness. Want. Misery.

One day at a time. Just need to...breath. To hold on. What for? I don't know.

It's late...

...time for bed.

I've been good...cleaning. Slowly. Slower than I should be, but...cleaning!

I've been good and bad. I did go to get my paperwork to get my ID renewed, but didn't grab a second to work on my driver's permit, nor have I turned in the ID paperwork yet. Nor read the driver's handbook.

I've been bad. Need to draw. Paint. Create. I have a deadline now! July!

I've been bad. I have so many blogs planned but skimping on them.

I've been bad. Facebook apps take up several hours of my day...and for what?? At least in WoW I'm forced to socialize.

I've been bad. I need to sign up for school again.

I've been bad. Spent money on things I don't need.

I've been bad.

I don't think I'm getting anything but coal from Santa this year.

Illusions.

There must be something wrong with me. I can count on one hand the number of people who seem to care about me, the people who I can trust and turn to. My foundation was my family, but now I stand on ash. I thought I had more friends than that, trusted on it, leaned on it, but it showed itself as a false wall- paper thin and able to withstand...nothing.

Is it others or is it me? I'm easily turned against myself, so I assume it is something lacking in my character. I give too much, expect too much, receive too little.

I'll do what I can to find out what it is in me that drives others away.

In the meantime, I give up on everyone else. I'll wipe the slate clean, write down 5 names. 5 bricks for my wall. I need a big wall, so I'll need more bricks, but I'm going to triple check from now on just exactly what they are made from.

It's Time to Start

Lazing each day away doing what everyone else thinks they want to do- sleeping when I want, waking when I want, gaming all day, not having to work. Isn't this what a lot of people dream about ? But I feel myself getting more depressed each day.

Is this the american hubris? Being depressed for nothing when I have so much to be thankful for? But it's not that I'm not thankful. I don't think one has to do with another. I think about the women in africa who have to get their clits circumcised or the women living in the middle east who have no rights at all...and worse, don't even know they should want those rights (as judged by my american standards), and I am thankful I am living here with..well, relative freedom.

I'm depressed because I know if I were to die tomorrow, I know I would have left nothing to be remembered by. Nothing worthy at all, other than several decades worth of landfill.

And I know there is something wrong in me that seems to drive people away. Shouldn't I have more friends by now? By whose standards I don't know but by estimation of my age group. I should have a house and be driving a car and have some kind of 9 to 5 and 2.5 kids by now. Should...the most hopeless word in the english language.

If I'm not going to be living the life I choose (housewife and artist) then I need to start living the life that will be most useful to my current situation. But getting some job waiting tables or working in retail...I know if I do it now, it'll be the kind of thing I'll be stuck doing for the rest of my life. And that's depressing enough to have me screaming away and living like a bum in the street.

So it's time to start...start at least trying to do what I want to do while I have the opportunity. Tomorrow when I wake up...I am maid and artist for 8 hrs. Just like a real job. Because in the end, that's exactly what I want to be.

I hate fighting.

I think this is one of the worst types of fights because I don't even know what I did wrong. I'm not even mad...just a wounded animal licking the hurts in the dark caverns of her cave.

Something has left my life
And I don’t know where it went to
Somebody caused me strife
And it’s not what I was seeking.

Didn’t you see me, didn’t you hear me
Didn’t you see me standing there

Why did you turn out the lights
Did you know that I was sleeping

Say a prayer for me
Help to feel the strength I did
My identity has been taken
Is my heart breaking on me

All my plans fell though my hands
They fell
Though my hands on me
In my obvious it suddenly seems
Empty

-The Cranberries

Blog Humbug.

I dunno...I just haven't felt like posting. Bummed about my camera problems. Still cleaning up and getting mentally ready for school. Almost on my period so I'm tired and grumpy. Feels like everyone is mad at me/picking on me. Blah.

Happy Nude Year, 2008

...I say nude because that's how I feel now-a-days. Nude. Naked. Vulnerable to the fads and foibles and fears and frustrations of the universe.

On one hand I hate it. No one likes to be without protections. What are most people's protections? Well, I guess it varies by culture but I think a few universals apply...like family. So what about my family? My father hasn't spoken to me in years. Neither have most of the people on that side of my family. My mother and step-father have also relegated me to persona non grata, which generally extends to that side of the family not talking to me as well...well, the ones who'd bothered to talk to me in the first place. Which, in turn, has placed stress on the relationships that do remain- my brother (hearing how much they treasure him hurts me, even though neither of us wants that and I don't begrudge him the attention) and my cousins, who for some reason unknown to me, barely speak to me now anyway, even though we used to be as close as sisters, but at least this isn't a hostile type of silence.

Another protection I would say for people is their facade...the face they show the world. So much effort to fit in to the current trend, or not fit in in an orchestrated effort to be "outside the norm". I think I've sincerely gotten to the place where I don't care what society thinks of my looks. And I don't need to fake a face to the world that shows what/who I am.

But I almost revel in my new vulnerability because I hope to channel that into my art. To take the things that have no place to hide...the hurt, the anger, the joys and griefs and pleasures and fun and jealousy and everything that makes me human...and somehow convey that into a two dimensional form that someone can look at...and just relate to. My arts going to be about fantasy and social commentary and the times I live in and, most important to me, about honesty.

That's why, for the first time in years, for the first time since I've complained about my ass-sitting life and everything I'm not doing...I think I've finally come to the place where I am ready to start doing. 2008 is gonna be the start of my life, for bad or good. I'm ready.

Life is a Rollercoaster.

Or maybe it's more like a ski slalom? All down hill.

I don't want to be depressed or depressing. But I'm the edge and hanging by a hangnail.

I've seen a road for myself, and I thought I was walking it...well, ok, meandering it. But there was a pit, a crevasse, a canyon in the way. And now where I am looking down is a road thats slightly familiar, as if I were walking in circles but the circle is so huge that its been so long since I've been here it's mostly unfamiliar. And it's unfriendly, full of darkness and spiderwebs and jaggedly sharp rocks.

The person I thought I was becoming has to become somebody else for awhile and I'm afraid I'll lose sight of the person I want to be. I'll fall into this facade and the facade will become reality.

It's weird how finding out that someones view of you, a view totally different than you expected, can change your view of yourself. I thought I was becoming someone my mother would be proud of and instead, no matter what I do to make up for past mistakes, it's like my misdeeds are always imprinted on my forehead. And she can't see past em. And I've tried for years not to care, but I can't seem to turn it off.

And it's so dark. So dark. I can't see the light anymore and I am falling. Falling into the dark. Falling off of the path. Always falling.

I don't want to move. And I want to move. But moving means leaving a lot of my memories forever. Leaving behind things that have been around since my first memories...and things aren't important...but they are. How do you say goodbye to things that have life because your memories give it life?

I don't want to be on this ride anymore. Let me off here.

I don't have Cancer.

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago to start trying to take care of some of my PCOS issues. Unfortunatly, the lining of my uterus was too thick and the doc said that that meant it was a pre-cancerous condition and I needed a biopsy to make sure that I didn't have cancer there.

The biopsy was the second most painful experience of my life, only beat out by the time I ripped out some tendons in my ankle and had to crawl up 2 flights of stairs. Basically, what she did caused labor pains...and she had to do it twice as she didn't get a big enough sample the first time. I swear I don't understand how the human race populates itself sometimes. Ow. Daryl said he heard me screaming in pain, through the walls, all the way in the waiting room.

So, I had to wait a week for the results. That was an intense week for self reflection. I'm 32...was my life already close to over? What have I done with my life to be remembered? Who would miss me if I was gone? What if I was gonna live but they had to take out my uterus? What does that mean to me as a woman? What about a family? I've always thought I wanted to adopt but having the choice taken away from you all together changes your outlook. And if everything turns out ok, what do I need to change in my life so if I ever do see the end of it coming again, I would be less dissatisfied with what I've done with it than I am now. I say less dissatisfied because I think someone completely satisfied with the life they've lived is a rare occurance. Yes...a lot of thinking.

When I got the phone call that I was ok, I cried. With relief.

So here I am. I'd like to think the experience changed me a little bit for the better. I see my life in a new light, both the past and the future. We'll see what I can make of it in the next few months...I am an artist afterall, so it should be a good composition at least.

Random Musings

It's been a very introspective type of day.

I don't know what set me off today but I spent maybe a good hour and a half searching the internet for some sign of an ex and whether or not he married his ex-then-not-ex-girlfriend he dumped me for. It's self mutilation, milling over the possibilities lost and doors never shut, and yet I do this to myself every once in awhile anyway. There was so much hurt involved and I don't know why I can't just let it go. Is it some kind of masochistic gene? Or perhaps, I'm just like a dog, chewing tenaciously on a bone, trying to get the very last bit of flavor out. Pain flavor. And I don't even like marrow.

I like to think that I am not so self centered as to actually believe I am the center of the universe, yet any sign that people that are outside of my existence are moving on with their lives, doing things and experiencing situations without me, makes me experience spasms of intense jealousy. Why can't I just be happy for people?? Envy is an insidious and evil entity.

I've lost, and am losing, friends because of my antisocial behaviors. I go through periods of not wanting to talk to anyone outside of my immediate vicinity. No phone calls. No emails. Nothing. I think people can't understand I don't mean anything mean about it but I just need to be alone with my thoughts. I wish I could explain it better.

I make things harder on myself than they need to be.

"Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down."

Well, the Hubby is gone for a week on a business trip. I hate when people leave me. I hate knowing he's flying on a plane. Planes are scary.

It feels weird having to go through the motions of life while he's not here- getting myself to school and around. Having no one to talk about my day with. I feel like I should be on pause til he gets back. It's scary only having myself to depend on.

In my head I know the roommates are still here, but we have such odd hours right now, its like I'm alone.

Hope is a 20-sided die.

"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof." -Barbara Kingsolver

I think I lost hope a long time ago. The kind of hope where you always think life will get better. Someday, at least one of the many dreams of youth will come true. I don't expect things to be handed to me...but it's like the possibilities, the windows to see the path to the goal, were all broken and boarded up before I even got there.

And yet, I still plug away at this craptageous game called "Life" so maybe there is still an optimist alive in me. Or maybe it's that I finally have a tiny teeny idea of who I might be, what I might want, and where I might need to go...like I've found the highway instead of just a path. Or maybe, in every day that passes, I sense my own mortality looming over me and feel the desire to pick something, anything, before it catches up and overwhelms me.

So maybe I'm not sure what I hope for..but I am finally living in it's shadow and ready to step on in.

Avalanche

/Whine on

I think I've got too much on my plate.

1.) I have a zoo. 3 cats that are starting to stress out at the kitties occupying the front yard and the kitties that have taken over the patio. And soon we're bringing three of those kittens (who have, by the way, taken to dry food very well but haven't yet figured out not to pee on the couch)...anyway, we're bringing three of those kittens inside soon. That will be interesting. And I have a bearded dragon who only eats sometimes. She needs more attention than I have to give her ... well, truth be told, all the pets need more attention than I have to give them. And if I am lucky, I get to spend another I-don't-know-how-much-but-it-will-prolly-be-a-lot amount of money having a custom built cage for her. Assuming she doesn't die from the "not eating" situation.

2.) My house is a dumpster and only gets worse everyday. OK, yes this is most likely half my fault. I'm a messy and lazy person. Not the best combination. And no matter how much I have to do I keep putting it off. Yes, with my lists, I am starting to work on it but there are just some things that I can't handle right away...like getting rid of about 4 couches and 3 chairs. That takes money that I don't have extra right now to rent the trucks to take it away. And to add to that I have two roommates who are happy to make the mess but rarely help cleaning up. The messier it gets the less I want to deal with it.

3.) I am so poor right now. Like silly poor. I owe my mother/landlord almost 4k right now in back rent and the money we borrowed for the car. I had to beg her for school money and now I have to beg her for money for books. The payments I can make to our almost maxed credit cards is getting smaller while the minimum payments are getting larger. We have zero savings. God forbid something happens to one of us. And I owe my roommate money. I hate owing people money.

4.) I am slacking in my art. I am supposed to draw everyday. The only way to improve is to draw everyday. I'm lucky if I get to it twice a week. And with my art classes coming up in school I'm gonna be the sucky person in class. I hate being the suckiest person in class. And speaking of school...

5.) School starts soon. I am going full time with two online classes. I've never done online classes before so there's the stress of doing something out of my element. Then I'll have two art classes which is extra money for art supplies, the stress of comparing myself to others and falling far short, having no time to myself because doing art takes a lot of time and I won't have that time for my own projects.

That's about it right now but I still think that's too many dishes. It's all falling off my plate and starting to dribble on my floor. And I'm out of napkins dammit.

/Whine off

Sadness, Part 1

I haven't really wanted to talk about it...

Cricket passed over the rainbow bridge on July 29th, around 7pm, to the tune of Hotel California.

And, funny enough, her passing seems to have fueled my creative mind. Maybe because I've always tied misery to my creative process ever since needing an escape from my mother's abusive mouth. Poetry then. Art now. And writing..always writing and dreaming and making stories in my head that will probably never get written down now.

And my computer, as of last night, has decided to commit Seppuku. So, I write this on my hubby's comp and spend my other time plowing through the piles of stuff that always seem to accumulate around me...kind of like Pigpen from Peanuts, only the dirt is more solid in the form of books, old mail, snacks, and just mounds of stuff. But back to my computer... omg! Months and months of saved pics, both inspirational and planned acquisitions for potential art. Art I was working on! Tons of recipes that were emailed to me that I saved and hoped to make someday, emails now long gone. At least $100 worth of iTunes videos and music. Notes for story ideas!!! And tons of bookmarks I'll prolly never find again. NOTHING backed up. I want to weep. But I hold it in in the faint hope that I will be able to recover it. But...

"Hope for the best, plan for the worst."

...and the Lord said, OMFG WTF!

So...

Instead of a "Happy Birthday" yesterday I had a "... Birthday!" (thanks D).

Crickets at the vet, overnight. It's going to cost us $600... just to find out what's wrong with her.

If I ever needed proof that there is indeed a god, this is it. And she hates me.

They say it's your birthday...na na na na na NA NA!

Ack I'm old.

I was originally going to write about how hot I am and how I hate this heat and its fricken Africa hot...and, upon looking at the date I realized it's my birthday.

Big whoop. It's funny how this is one of the big days when you're a little kid and just another year when you're old..old old OLD.

I took a walk around my neighborhood last night... and my hip hurt! WTF.

I told D he's got to walk me around outside now every day as if I was a dog. Bah.

...And Time Marches On.

I'm worried about Cricket.

She's been hiding upstairs the last few days. Maybe she's freaked by my brother staying over. When we normally have company she hides upstairs. Been she's never hid from my brother for long...usually comes downstairs after a few hours. Maybe she's hot and just likes the coolness of the shower floor. Maybe she's having one of her "crazy episodes" and just wants to be alone.

But I'm not sure she's eating. I check her skin and it seems the normal healthy color. I brought her up some food and water but she didn't touch the food and drank the water like she's been in the desert for a week.

Now she's hiding under the bed.

I dunno. D says maybe we have to "put her down". She is getting pretty old for a cat. 13 this year? I don't want to think about it right now.

If she doesn't start acting normal after my brother leaves then I'll take her to the vet. I hope she's not sick as I really have no money left to do anything about it...especially after paying for Hobbes's last visit.

An odd juxtaposition.

I can't stand to be alone. I feel like something bad is going to happen if I am alone. I don't know if this stems from traumatic childhood events, abandonment issues, or just random psychosis, but there it is. That is why I adore having so many roommates. I am almost always never alone.

I need to be alone. All the people all the time around me makes me feel not like myself. There is always that awareness that someone is always around and I might do something weird. I can only be my true self when I am alone. I hoard it to myself and revel in the solitude.

When someone is home, I am both comforted and resentful.

So odd.

A letter to the Editor

Dear Me,

Grow the fuck up. I'm tired of your laziness. I'm tired of your angry jealousies and petty thoughts. I'm tired of your fat reflection. If I have to listen to one more excuse of why you can't do what you want with your life...or why you can't even begin to live your life...I'm going to throw up. All over you. Your deceptions are tired and your lies unbelievable. Your shallowness underlines your obsessive fixation with the material. What the fuck is wrong with you that no one else can be happy and going ahead with their lives and do creative wonderful things...that every time you see such things or learn of them, it sends you into a whiny spiral of self recriminations. If you don't step your lame ass up to the plate of life soon, you're going to strike out...and remain the same thing you are right now for the rest of your pathetic existence: a complete loser.

Sincerely,
Me

A Nest in which to Rest

I like this place. This little dark corner of my soul where I can vent and spew and leak all my horrible emotions out and no one knows. It's dark here in this little space on the web and I like it like that. It's cozy here and warm and I can sleep if I want to. I can cry if I need to. I can scream and nobody hears me.

Now I just need to figure out how to post pictures. Lol.