6 Wants.

* I want my own house.

*I want my own driver's license and a car of my own.

*I want kids before I get too old.

*I want to be able to go to the grocery store and buy food without worrying about a budget.

*I want to be able to sell my art.

*I want to be a useful human being.

That's it. Right now that's all I want out of life.

Illusions.

There must be something wrong with me. I can count on one hand the number of people who seem to care about me, the people who I can trust and turn to. My foundation was my family, but now I stand on ash. I thought I had more friends than that, trusted on it, leaned on it, but it showed itself as a false wall- paper thin and able to withstand...nothing.

Is it others or is it me? I'm easily turned against myself, so I assume it is something lacking in my character. I give too much, expect too much, receive too little.

I'll do what I can to find out what it is in me that drives others away.

In the meantime, I give up on everyone else. I'll wipe the slate clean, write down 5 names. 5 bricks for my wall. I need a big wall, so I'll need more bricks, but I'm going to triple check from now on just exactly what they are made from.

It's Time to Start

Lazing each day away doing what everyone else thinks they want to do- sleeping when I want, waking when I want, gaming all day, not having to work. Isn't this what a lot of people dream about ? But I feel myself getting more depressed each day.

Is this the american hubris? Being depressed for nothing when I have so much to be thankful for? But it's not that I'm not thankful. I don't think one has to do with another. I think about the women in africa who have to get their clits circumcised or the women living in the middle east who have no rights at all...and worse, don't even know they should want those rights (as judged by my american standards), and I am thankful I am living here with..well, relative freedom.

I'm depressed because I know if I were to die tomorrow, I know I would have left nothing to be remembered by. Nothing worthy at all, other than several decades worth of landfill.

And I know there is something wrong in me that seems to drive people away. Shouldn't I have more friends by now? By whose standards I don't know but by estimation of my age group. I should have a house and be driving a car and have some kind of 9 to 5 and 2.5 kids by now. Should...the most hopeless word in the english language.

If I'm not going to be living the life I choose (housewife and artist) then I need to start living the life that will be most useful to my current situation. But getting some job waiting tables or working in retail...I know if I do it now, it'll be the kind of thing I'll be stuck doing for the rest of my life. And that's depressing enough to have me screaming away and living like a bum in the street.

So it's time to start...start at least trying to do what I want to do while I have the opportunity. Tomorrow when I wake up...I am maid and artist for 8 hrs. Just like a real job. Because in the end, that's exactly what I want to be.

I hate fighting.

I think this is one of the worst types of fights because I don't even know what I did wrong. I'm not even mad...just a wounded animal licking the hurts in the dark caverns of her cave.

Something has left my life
And I don’t know where it went to
Somebody caused me strife
And it’s not what I was seeking.

Didn’t you see me, didn’t you hear me
Didn’t you see me standing there

Why did you turn out the lights
Did you know that I was sleeping

Say a prayer for me
Help to feel the strength I did
My identity has been taken
Is my heart breaking on me

All my plans fell though my hands
They fell
Though my hands on me
In my obvious it suddenly seems
Empty

-The Cranberries

Blog Humbug.

I dunno...I just haven't felt like posting. Bummed about my camera problems. Still cleaning up and getting mentally ready for school. Almost on my period so I'm tired and grumpy. Feels like everyone is mad at me/picking on me. Blah.

Stuff `n' more stuff.

Not much to say that's...sequential. Just a lot of random stuff.

Been feeling shitty lately. Randomly violently nauseous. I think it's the meds.

Made an excellent meal tonight. I was so hungry, I couldn't even take the time to take a picture. And it was delicious. I'll have to post the recipe later.

Bought my school books today. Almost $200. I actually save another $110 by having a book already that I needed. Well, kinda saved, since I'd already spent the money on it at some point. Ha!

Starting to get my art room clean...tried to set up my old computer then realized...duh!...I don't have a keyboard for it as it was one I kept using on this comp.

Really starting to get tired of the political spam.

Soup is Good Food.

From Better Homes and Gardens: One Dish Dinners again:

Hamburger-Vegetable Soup

1 lb ground beef or ground pork
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/2 chopped green sweet pepper
4 cups of beef broth
1 cup frozen whole kernel corn
1 7.5oz can chopped tomatoes
1/2 of a 9oz package of frozen lima beans
1/2 cup chopped, peeled potato or 1/2 cup loose-pack frozen hash brown potatoes
1 medium carrot, cut into matchstick-size strips
1 tblsp snipped fresh basil or 1tsp dried basil, crushed
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 bay leaf
1/8 tsp black pepper

• In a large saucepan, cook beef, onion, and sweet pepper until meat is brown and onion is tender. Drain fat.
• Stir in broth, corn, undrained tomatoes, lima beans, potato, carrot, basil, Worcestershire sauce, bay leaf, and black pepper.
• Bring to boiling; reduce heat.
• Cover and simmer for 15 mins. or until vegetables are tender.
• Discard bay leaf and serve.

Well, I used beef. And red pepper because I don't like green peppers. The beef broth was bullion cubes (and when they say 1 cube per 1 cup they really mean it! I tried less because I thought it might be too salty, but it was not flavorful enough with just 4 cubes per 6 cups of water.) And my carrots were not julienned (which didn't match the julienned look of the hash browned potatoes I used; that would have been so much prettier)... I'm just not that good with my knife skills. Plus my knives suck.

But taste wise it was pretty damn good. And I'm ok with lima beans :)

An exercise in frustration.

So I got my usb camera cables today. And...nothing! The computer cannot see it. So either the cable is faulty or my camera is faulty or the usb connector is faulty or the user is faulty. Which means I'm now in the market for a new camera. The one I have is 5 yrs old...and I can still use it as a camera..but I'm unable to manipulate the pics...and someday the card will fill up since I can't erase them and can only print them.

Oh, well, Hubby just checked and he can actually see what's on the card itself and pull stuff off. Coolbeans.

It's still tedious this way.

I need a new camera.

Meh.

On the meds again, I just can't wait to get on the meds again!

Back on the stuff that makes me bleed (Provera) and the stuff thats supposed to regulate my blood sugar (Glucophage). I'd stopped taking it, well, the Glucophage, I forget why now, but now I'm getting back on it. You're not supposed to stop...but I think I just got tired of having diarrhea all the freakin time. I'm gonna go slow again introducing it back to my system...and STAY on it this time. I'm also using cinnamon pills too, which is a natural remedy for my condition. We'll see how that goes.

I need to start planning regular meals too and not just eat when I'm hungry (which generally breaks down to one huge meal a day; not good for my metabolism.) I also have a problem with the late night munchies.

So, on that note, it's 3am and I'm gonna go make a sammich.

Asleep at the Wheel

3am and short on sleep...had a lazy day playing WoW. Cooked some stew I'll post about when I get my usb cord. It was pretty good (lil too beany for me since I'm still teaching myself to like beans.)

It's been raining all day too. I love it. But it makes me sad that I don't live in a place that has more of it. The hubby opened the door a few times tonight and let the cats smell the air and feel the cold and wet. Only Elvis was brave enough (or dumb enough) to try to go out in it. I'm sure he was thinking "Damn, this is nothing. I get sprayed with the squirt bottle more than this!" Elvis is a bad cat. ><

Spent the last three hours watching L.A. Ink and planning my next next grocery shopping excursion.

Time for a drink of cold water then bed.

The Internet Saved My Life

...or just saved me numerous trips around town. I went to Radio Shack and...no camera usb cable. I'd been told to go there a few months ago by CompUSA. Radio Shack said to check the internet.

Well...DUH. *slaps forehead*

I could have saved some frustration and gas by doing that in the first place. It's actually rather funny as I've been recommending internet shopping vs real life shopping for a long time. So why the fuck didn't I think to look there first?

I guess everyone's entitled to a brain fart every now and then.

Two in the bush, or one in the hand, or lost in my head?

Found my camera. Thought I had a usb cord but its for..something else...no idea what! But at least I have my camera. And took some pics of my stew..which will get posted tomorrow. Or was it a soup? No idea what the difference is.

Doing bills before bed. I'm expecting some nightmares to be coming up :p

..and I already missed a day.

I had an unofficial agenda to post every day this year, but I didn't say it out loud, or write it down anywhere, so I guess I haven't broken any "resolutions" yet!

When I'm not working or in school, I tend to lose track of the hours. My days cycle through an odd system of being a night owl then being an early bird and then back to night owl...and so on and so on. So lately I've been getting up at 2 or 3pm, and going to bed at 5 or 6am. I feel like I've lost a lot of day, but funny enough, when I get up early and go to bed early, I feel I miss a lot of the fun going on at night.

So instead of posting before midnight, I was tanking Shadow Labs with the usual gang(WoW).

Still can't find my camera.

Comfort Food that needs a Twist

I made soup today*. I've been making lots of soups lately. This one was ok. East to make, decently filling, but there was just..something it needed. The cookbook is called Better Homes & Gardens: One Dish Dinners.

Chicken Chowder

12 ounces skinless, boneless chicken breast halves or thighs
3 slices of bacon, chopped
1/3 cup of chopped onion
1/4 cup chopped red sweet pepper
1 14.75 or 15 oz can of cream-style corn
1 14.5 ounce can reduced-sodium chicken broth
1 cup of milk
3/4 cup of packaged instant mashed potatoes
1/4 teaspoon dried thyme, crushed
1/8 tsp. coarsely ground pepper

• Cut Chicken into 1/2 inch pieces; set aside.
• In a dutch oven, cook bacon over medium heat until crisp. Remove bacon from Dutch oven with a slotted spoon, reserving drippings in pan; set bacon aside.
• Cook chicken, onion, and sweet pepper in bacon drippings over medium heat, about 3 minutes or until onion is crisp-tender.
• Stir in corn, broth, and milk.
• Stir in instant potatoes, thyme, and pepper.
• Bring to boiling; reduce heat. Cover and simmer for 8 minutes or until chicken is tender and no longer pink and soup is thickened; stir occasionally.
• Sprinkle with bacon pieces.

I didn't use reduced sodium broth and actually added salt. I also used fresh thyme instead of dried and that may have been why I felt there wasn't enough seasonings. It's worth trying once I think.

*Pictures will be added to the blog once I find where I hid my camera for safe keeping. =P

Happy Nude Year, 2008

...I say nude because that's how I feel now-a-days. Nude. Naked. Vulnerable to the fads and foibles and fears and frustrations of the universe.

On one hand I hate it. No one likes to be without protections. What are most people's protections? Well, I guess it varies by culture but I think a few universals apply...like family. So what about my family? My father hasn't spoken to me in years. Neither have most of the people on that side of my family. My mother and step-father have also relegated me to persona non grata, which generally extends to that side of the family not talking to me as well...well, the ones who'd bothered to talk to me in the first place. Which, in turn, has placed stress on the relationships that do remain- my brother (hearing how much they treasure him hurts me, even though neither of us wants that and I don't begrudge him the attention) and my cousins, who for some reason unknown to me, barely speak to me now anyway, even though we used to be as close as sisters, but at least this isn't a hostile type of silence.

Another protection I would say for people is their facade...the face they show the world. So much effort to fit in to the current trend, or not fit in in an orchestrated effort to be "outside the norm". I think I've sincerely gotten to the place where I don't care what society thinks of my looks. And I don't need to fake a face to the world that shows what/who I am.

But I almost revel in my new vulnerability because I hope to channel that into my art. To take the things that have no place to hide...the hurt, the anger, the joys and griefs and pleasures and fun and jealousy and everything that makes me human...and somehow convey that into a two dimensional form that someone can look at...and just relate to. My arts going to be about fantasy and social commentary and the times I live in and, most important to me, about honesty.

That's why, for the first time in years, for the first time since I've complained about my ass-sitting life and everything I'm not doing...I think I've finally come to the place where I am ready to start doing. 2008 is gonna be the start of my life, for bad or good. I'm ready.