Illusions.

There must be something wrong with me. I can count on one hand the number of people who seem to care about me, the people who I can trust and turn to. My foundation was my family, but now I stand on ash. I thought I had more friends than that, trusted on it, leaned on it, but it showed itself as a false wall- paper thin and able to withstand...nothing.

Is it others or is it me? I'm easily turned against myself, so I assume it is something lacking in my character. I give too much, expect too much, receive too little.

I'll do what I can to find out what it is in me that drives others away.

In the meantime, I give up on everyone else. I'll wipe the slate clean, write down 5 names. 5 bricks for my wall. I need a big wall, so I'll need more bricks, but I'm going to triple check from now on just exactly what they are made from.

It's Time to Start

Lazing each day away doing what everyone else thinks they want to do- sleeping when I want, waking when I want, gaming all day, not having to work. Isn't this what a lot of people dream about ? But I feel myself getting more depressed each day.

Is this the american hubris? Being depressed for nothing when I have so much to be thankful for? But it's not that I'm not thankful. I don't think one has to do with another. I think about the women in africa who have to get their clits circumcised or the women living in the middle east who have no rights at all...and worse, don't even know they should want those rights (as judged by my american standards), and I am thankful I am living here with..well, relative freedom.

I'm depressed because I know if I were to die tomorrow, I know I would have left nothing to be remembered by. Nothing worthy at all, other than several decades worth of landfill.

And I know there is something wrong in me that seems to drive people away. Shouldn't I have more friends by now? By whose standards I don't know but by estimation of my age group. I should have a house and be driving a car and have some kind of 9 to 5 and 2.5 kids by now. Should...the most hopeless word in the english language.

If I'm not going to be living the life I choose (housewife and artist) then I need to start living the life that will be most useful to my current situation. But getting some job waiting tables or working in retail...I know if I do it now, it'll be the kind of thing I'll be stuck doing for the rest of my life. And that's depressing enough to have me screaming away and living like a bum in the street.

So it's time to start...start at least trying to do what I want to do while I have the opportunity. Tomorrow when I wake up...I am maid and artist for 8 hrs. Just like a real job. Because in the end, that's exactly what I want to be.