It's tough to organize ones thoughts when one has imbibed some celebratory alcohol.
~~~
And that is why I had to continue this the next day! LOL.
Review-
It's been a surprising year (technically two years but that's an issue I don't want to get into right now.) Early in the year I went back to school, not knowing what I was going for or where it would lead, I just needed to feel like I was moving forward. I met some truly incredible people who've stuck around in my life and have brightened so many corners. I am eternally grateful for new friends and old friends that stuck.
I also ended a 10 year friendship with R, someone I thought I was incredibly close with and who understood me and whom I understood. I tried to end it as friendly as possible, with newly found boundaries I insisted on consisting of kindness,consideration, and reciprocation. What I got in return was vilification and cruelty. Had that always been there and I just didn't see it? Or had that developed during our separation due to outside influences? I'll never know and that's ok, because I just don't need that kind of energy in my life. I'm thankful to have had him part of my life, if only as an example of what not to do and who not to trust, and the changes in myself that came about from losing that close friendship are positive ones, so I'll just concentrate on gratitude.
I finally got a job, after 2 years of looking, thanks to a little nepotism on the part of my cousin. And I'll take it. Survival means having to swallow that bitter pill called Pride sometimes. It pays for crap and the hours suck since it's only part time, but the people are real gems, and that in itself is something to be grateful for as working for/with horrible people can be a poop storm not worth swimming in.
And my divorce with D creeps ever so slowly forward as well. Talk about really understanding the term "bittersweet". I'm excited about my new life, scared to death of the loss of my old one (as well as just survival issues), nervous about taking care of myself, and sad...lots of sad. I truly want him to be happy, and me not miserable, and I hope we can work out a way both of those can be a truth at the same time.
And to bridge this post, I have to mention L. Meeting him has been the most beautiful part of my year. He inspires me every day to be a better person. And I hope that continues through 2013 and beyond.
Which brings me to projections-
Health: Continued diet tweaks and increased exercise regimes. Especially since I am planning to run a half marathon in May. Which, is nuts, since I am incredibly unfit and have never even run a 5 or 10k. I'm insane. Oh well, trying is more important than succeeding.
Wealth: Not sure wtf to do about that honestly. I *could* look for another job that is full time, or a part time that works with my current part time, but I don't know if either would accomidate full time school as well. I'm not a kid with endless energy anymore so I don't think I can do too much more than I am. So maybe work on that Etsy shop and my art?! Which leads me to...
Art: Yes. A lot of projects under my wings that I need to get a move on. I say that every year but it's finally gotten to the point where I need to shit or get off the pot. Seriously. And I know it. I need work to sell, and I need work for a portfolio.
School: Thankfully, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up! :P That is a load off my mind.
Family/Friends: I'd like to be closer to my brother, my cousins, my adopted mom, and my aunt. I'd like to spend more time with my friends. I need to work out how to combine these things with the other things I need to do.
Those are my main areas of worry for 2013. Anything else is just frosting on my cake. Or ka'ak as my brother would say.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Year
Bringing in the new year the same way I came into life. Alone. But am I really? Dog sitting Mai's dogs...3 of the little rascals. And her cat. I might be on the mind of one or two ppl.
But it's ok.
It's absolutely amazing how swiftly life changes. Better? Worse? Sometimes it's hard to tell. Both but really it's the light you view it in. Even "worse" is just a lesson. And you don't see what lesson it's trying to teach you til you get to that "ah-ha!" moment. But it never stops. You get to that moment and it's already started teaching you a new lesson and you never even know. Not til you get another "ah-ha!" moment.
I just hope that the harder the lesson = the bigger the reward. If that's the case I'm due for some lottery sized reward here. lol (yes, i know it doesn't really work that way. I'm not "due" anything I haven't worked my ass off towards.)
Happy New Year to me. I expect a lot of changes to come.
But it's ok.
It's absolutely amazing how swiftly life changes. Better? Worse? Sometimes it's hard to tell. Both but really it's the light you view it in. Even "worse" is just a lesson. And you don't see what lesson it's trying to teach you til you get to that "ah-ha!" moment. But it never stops. You get to that moment and it's already started teaching you a new lesson and you never even know. Not til you get another "ah-ha!" moment.
I just hope that the harder the lesson = the bigger the reward. If that's the case I'm due for some lottery sized reward here. lol (yes, i know it doesn't really work that way. I'm not "due" anything I haven't worked my ass off towards.)
Happy New Year to me. I expect a lot of changes to come.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happy Nude Year, 2008
...I say nude because that's how I feel now-a-days. Nude. Naked. Vulnerable to the fads and foibles and fears and frustrations of the universe.
On one hand I hate it. No one likes to be without protections. What are most people's protections? Well, I guess it varies by culture but I think a few universals apply...like family. So what about my family? My father hasn't spoken to me in years. Neither have most of the people on that side of my family. My mother and step-father have also relegated me to persona non grata, which generally extends to that side of the family not talking to me as well...well, the ones who'd bothered to talk to me in the first place. Which, in turn, has placed stress on the relationships that do remain- my brother (hearing how much they treasure him hurts me, even though neither of us wants that and I don't begrudge him the attention) and my cousins, who for some reason unknown to me, barely speak to me now anyway, even though we used to be as close as sisters, but at least this isn't a hostile type of silence.
Another protection I would say for people is their facade...the face they show the world. So much effort to fit in to the current trend, or not fit in in an orchestrated effort to be "outside the norm". I think I've sincerely gotten to the place where I don't care what society thinks of my looks. And I don't need to fake a face to the world that shows what/who I am.
But I almost revel in my new vulnerability because I hope to channel that into my art. To take the things that have no place to hide...the hurt, the anger, the joys and griefs and pleasures and fun and jealousy and everything that makes me human...and somehow convey that into a two dimensional form that someone can look at...and just relate to. My arts going to be about fantasy and social commentary and the times I live in and, most important to me, about honesty.
That's why, for the first time in years, for the first time since I've complained about my ass-sitting life and everything I'm not doing...I think I've finally come to the place where I am ready to start doing. 2008 is gonna be the start of my life, for bad or good. I'm ready.
On one hand I hate it. No one likes to be without protections. What are most people's protections? Well, I guess it varies by culture but I think a few universals apply...like family. So what about my family? My father hasn't spoken to me in years. Neither have most of the people on that side of my family. My mother and step-father have also relegated me to persona non grata, which generally extends to that side of the family not talking to me as well...well, the ones who'd bothered to talk to me in the first place. Which, in turn, has placed stress on the relationships that do remain- my brother (hearing how much they treasure him hurts me, even though neither of us wants that and I don't begrudge him the attention) and my cousins, who for some reason unknown to me, barely speak to me now anyway, even though we used to be as close as sisters, but at least this isn't a hostile type of silence.
Another protection I would say for people is their facade...the face they show the world. So much effort to fit in to the current trend, or not fit in in an orchestrated effort to be "outside the norm". I think I've sincerely gotten to the place where I don't care what society thinks of my looks. And I don't need to fake a face to the world that shows what/who I am.
But I almost revel in my new vulnerability because I hope to channel that into my art. To take the things that have no place to hide...the hurt, the anger, the joys and griefs and pleasures and fun and jealousy and everything that makes me human...and somehow convey that into a two dimensional form that someone can look at...and just relate to. My arts going to be about fantasy and social commentary and the times I live in and, most important to me, about honesty.
That's why, for the first time in years, for the first time since I've complained about my ass-sitting life and everything I'm not doing...I think I've finally come to the place where I am ready to start doing. 2008 is gonna be the start of my life, for bad or good. I'm ready.
Friday, March 30, 2007
I don't have Cancer.
I went to the doctor a few weeks ago to start trying to take care of some of my PCOS issues. Unfortunatly, the lining of my uterus was too thick and the doc said that that meant it was a pre-cancerous condition and I needed a biopsy to make sure that I didn't have cancer there.
The biopsy was the second most painful experience of my life, only beat out by the time I ripped out some tendons in my ankle and had to crawl up 2 flights of stairs. Basically, what she did caused labor pains...and she had to do it twice as she didn't get a big enough sample the first time. I swear I don't understand how the human race populates itself sometimes. Ow. Daryl said he heard me screaming in pain, through the walls, all the way in the waiting room.
So, I had to wait a week for the results. That was an intense week for self reflection. I'm 32...was my life already close to over? What have I done with my life to be remembered? Who would miss me if I was gone? What if I was gonna live but they had to take out my uterus? What does that mean to me as a woman? What about a family? I've always thought I wanted to adopt but having the choice taken away from you all together changes your outlook. And if everything turns out ok, what do I need to change in my life so if I ever do see the end of it coming again, I would be less dissatisfied with what I've done with it than I am now. I say less dissatisfied because I think someone completely satisfied with the life they've lived is a rare occurance. Yes...a lot of thinking.
When I got the phone call that I was ok, I cried. With relief.
So here I am. I'd like to think the experience changed me a little bit for the better. I see my life in a new light, both the past and the future. We'll see what I can make of it in the next few months...I am an artist afterall, so it should be a good composition at least.
The biopsy was the second most painful experience of my life, only beat out by the time I ripped out some tendons in my ankle and had to crawl up 2 flights of stairs. Basically, what she did caused labor pains...and she had to do it twice as she didn't get a big enough sample the first time. I swear I don't understand how the human race populates itself sometimes. Ow. Daryl said he heard me screaming in pain, through the walls, all the way in the waiting room.
So, I had to wait a week for the results. That was an intense week for self reflection. I'm 32...was my life already close to over? What have I done with my life to be remembered? Who would miss me if I was gone? What if I was gonna live but they had to take out my uterus? What does that mean to me as a woman? What about a family? I've always thought I wanted to adopt but having the choice taken away from you all together changes your outlook. And if everything turns out ok, what do I need to change in my life so if I ever do see the end of it coming again, I would be less dissatisfied with what I've done with it than I am now. I say less dissatisfied because I think someone completely satisfied with the life they've lived is a rare occurance. Yes...a lot of thinking.
When I got the phone call that I was ok, I cried. With relief.
So here I am. I'd like to think the experience changed me a little bit for the better. I see my life in a new light, both the past and the future. We'll see what I can make of it in the next few months...I am an artist afterall, so it should be a good composition at least.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I'll Huff and I'll Puff...
My house is falling apart. But, in an effort to look on the brighter side, I'll try to see something positive about what is going on.
Problem: My shower has no water pressure.
Silver Lining: I'm saving money on the water bill! And having to use my creative capabilities to come up with solutions for a shorter, faster shower time.
Problem: My bathroom sink has no water at all.
Silver Lining: The cats have a nice cool, dry place to sleep in summer.
Problem: We have a major termite infestation.
Silver Lining: Uhm...we're providing an ecosystem for the natives? And snacks for the cats on occasion.
Problem: Our garage door likes to fall off the track once in awhile.
Silver Lining: Keeps the awareness-of-our-surroundings skill up trying to remember to watch when we close the garage to make sure it closed all the way.
Problem: When we turn the sprinklers on, we have a pool in the front left corner of the front yard.
Silver Lining: The feral cats always have fresh water.
Problem: My shower has no water pressure.
Silver Lining: I'm saving money on the water bill! And having to use my creative capabilities to come up with solutions for a shorter, faster shower time.
Problem: My bathroom sink has no water at all.
Silver Lining: The cats have a nice cool, dry place to sleep in summer.
Problem: We have a major termite infestation.
Silver Lining: Uhm...we're providing an ecosystem for the natives? And snacks for the cats on occasion.
Problem: Our garage door likes to fall off the track once in awhile.
Silver Lining: Keeps the awareness-of-our-surroundings skill up trying to remember to watch when we close the garage to make sure it closed all the way.
Problem: When we turn the sprinklers on, we have a pool in the front left corner of the front yard.
Silver Lining: The feral cats always have fresh water.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Hope is a 20-sided die.
"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof." -Barbara Kingsolver
I think I lost hope a long time ago. The kind of hope where you always think life will get better. Someday, at least one of the many dreams of youth will come true. I don't expect things to be handed to me...but it's like the possibilities, the windows to see the path to the goal, were all broken and boarded up before I even got there.
And yet, I still plug away at this craptageous game called "Life" so maybe there is still an optimist alive in me. Or maybe it's that I finally have a tiny teeny idea of who I might be, what I might want, and where I might need to go...like I've found the highway instead of just a path. Or maybe, in every day that passes, I sense my own mortality looming over me and feel the desire to pick something, anything, before it catches up and overwhelms me.
So maybe I'm not sure what I hope for..but I am finally living in it's shadow and ready to step on in.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
