2012 in Review & 2013 Projections

It's tough to organize ones thoughts when one has imbibed some celebratory alcohol.

~~~

And that is why I had to continue this the next day! LOL.

Review-

It's been a surprising year (technically two years but that's an issue I don't want to get into right now.) Early in the year I went back to school, not knowing what I was going for or where it would lead, I just needed to feel like I was moving forward. I met some truly incredible people who've stuck around in my life and have brightened so many corners. I am eternally grateful for new friends and old friends that stuck.

I also ended a 10 year friendship with R, someone I thought I was incredibly close with and who understood me and whom I understood. I tried to end it as friendly as possible, with newly found boundaries I insisted on consisting of kindness,consideration, and reciprocation. What I got in return was vilification and cruelty. Had that always been there and I just didn't see it? Or had that developed during our separation due to outside influences? I'll never know and that's ok, because I just don't need that kind of energy in my life. I'm thankful to have had him part of my life, if only as an example of what not to do and who not to trust, and the changes in myself that came about from losing that close friendship are positive ones, so I'll just concentrate on gratitude.

I finally got a job, after 2 years of looking, thanks to a little nepotism on the part of my cousin. And I'll take it. Survival means having to swallow that bitter pill called Pride sometimes. It pays for crap and the hours suck since it's only part time, but the people are real gems, and that in itself is something to be grateful for as working for/with horrible people can be a poop storm not worth swimming in.

And my divorce with D creeps ever so slowly forward as well. Talk about really understanding the term "bittersweet". I'm excited about my new life, scared to death of the loss of my old one (as well as just survival issues), nervous about taking care of myself, and sad...lots of sad. I truly want him to be happy, and me not miserable, and I hope we can work out a way both of those can be a truth at the same time.

And to bridge this post, I have to mention L. Meeting him has been the most beautiful part of my year. He inspires me every day to be a better person. And I hope that continues through 2013 and beyond.

Which brings me to projections-

Health: Continued diet tweaks and increased exercise regimes. Especially since I am planning to run a half marathon in May. Which, is nuts, since I am incredibly unfit and have never even run a 5 or 10k. I'm insane. Oh well, trying is more important than succeeding.

Wealth: Not sure wtf to do about that honestly. I *could* look for another job that is full time, or a part time that works with my current part time, but I don't know if either would accomidate full time school as well. I'm not a kid with endless energy anymore so I don't think I can do too much more than I am. So maybe work on that Etsy shop and my art?! Which leads me to...

Art: Yes. A lot of projects under my wings that I need to get a move on. I say that every year but it's finally gotten to the point where I need to shit or get off the pot. Seriously. And I know it. I need work to sell, and I need work for a portfolio.

School: Thankfully, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up! :P That is a load off my mind.

Family/Friends: I'd like to be closer to my brother, my cousins, my adopted mom, and my aunt. I'd like to spend more time with my friends. I need to work out how to combine these things with the other things I need to do.

Those are my main areas of worry for 2013. Anything else is just frosting on my cake. Or ka'ak as my brother would say.

A New Day :)

I'd hidden this blog away, ashamed of many things, especially who I was...which, in the end, is a disservice to myself, because everything that happened, good or bad, has made me who I am today. And I really LIKE who I am today.

I thought about starting over, wiping the slate clean so to speak. But why? I have a perfectly usable blog here! I spent the last hour going back to the beginning. I've drafted a few things that just didn't need to be in the blogosphere. But reading back on my posts I really did learn a few things about myself. I was depressed and depressing. I was harder on myself than I ever need to be. I'm both smarter and nerdier than I give myself credit for. And oh my, how I've changed. It's good to see and feel the difference.

So, yes, let's do this! It will be a new start...a real one this time, because I am a new person :)

Ownership

Excerpt from my physical journal:

I have identified as "abused". Emotionally (verbal and neglect), sexually, physically. Being a victim has been an embraced identity. A way to collect compassion. Even a way to excuse my short-comings..."Oh, she was abused, so it's ok that she doesn't try, is lazy, failed..." A way to set myself up for low expectations.

If I'm a victim, then I don't have to try because I have a million inner struggles to overcome. If I'm a victim, then failing, or being a failure, is ok. If I'm a victim, then my failures and negativeness aren't even mine, they were forced on me by someone else. My meanness, pettiness, manipulating, jealous, lying, greedy, materialistic, hateful, clingy, suffocating, aloof, cold, angry, shallow feelings aren't mine.

But they are.

Today I claim them. I'm dragging them from the "Lost & Found". These belong to me. I'm not trying to put myself down. This isn't a pity party. If they really weren't mine, but forced on me, then I could pity myself. But they are mine. They are me. I am mean and petty and manipulating and jealous and lying and greedy and materialistic and hateful and clingy and suffocating and aloof and cold and angry and shallow. By claiming these emotions I am accepting them. By accepting them I am taking control.

Just because I am these, that is not all that I am. By owning these, I am also every opposite, because each one is just the other side of another emotion; a two-sided coin.

If I am mean then I am also sweet. And I am. If I am petty, then I am also far-seeing, looking at the big picture. And I am. If I am manipulating, then I am also able to let go. And I am. If I am jealous, then I am also unconditionally loving. And I am. If I am a liar, then I am also a light for the truth. And I am. If I am greedy, then I am also generous. And I am. If I am materialistic, then I am also esoteric and spiritual. And I am. If I am hateful, then I am also full of love. And I am. If I am clingy, then I can also grant myself and others the capacity to be themselves. And I do. If I am suffocating, then I am also the giver of breath, helping to ease the pains of life. And I am. If I am aloof, then I am also warmly welcoming. And I am. If I am cold, then I am also passionate. And I am. If I am angry, then I am also forgiving. And I am. If I am shallow, then I also have endless depths to explore. And I do. And I am both sides of the coin.

Every emotion, bad or good, is mine to control, when I can. And when I can't, the memory that on the other side of the coin is it's best opposite, should hold me in it's embrace til I can feel that gentle, joyful face again.

New Year

Bringing in the new year the same way I came into life. Alone. But am I really? Dog sitting Mai's dogs...3 of the little rascals. And her cat. I might be on the mind of one or two ppl.

But it's ok.

It's absolutely amazing how swiftly life changes. Better? Worse? Sometimes it's hard to tell. Both but really it's the light you view it in. Even "worse" is just a lesson. And you don't see what lesson it's trying to teach you til you get to that "ah-ha!" moment. But it never stops. You get to that moment and it's already started teaching you a new lesson and you never even know. Not til you get another "ah-ha!" moment.

I just hope that the harder the lesson = the bigger the reward. If that's the case I'm due for some lottery sized reward here. lol (yes, i know it doesn't really work that way. I'm not "due" anything I haven't worked my ass off towards.)

Happy New Year to me. I expect a lot of changes to come.

My Happiness Manifesto

1. Be thankful for what went well at the end of each day.

2. Perform random acts of kindness.

3. Exercise.

4. Show gratitude.

5. Tell my self positive affirmations.

6. Choose to be more positive.

7. Be more in the 'here' and less in the past or my "stories" of the future.

8. Meditate.

9. Give more attention to my pets!

10. Do something to work towards my goals.

Happy Thanksgiving

"The compassionate mind is very important. Fear, anger, jealousy are based on a self-centered attitude. By developing a sense of caring for others' well-being your heart automatically opens and that brings transparency, straightforwardness and honesty, which leads to friendship. We are social animals, and one individual's survival relies entirely on the rest of the community." ~Dalai Lama

Confused

That I would be loved...or not.

I don't think I've ever felt so alone since I was 13.

It's amazing how much emotional pain a human being can take. Sometimes I have to just..breath through it. Take it into my body, from my body, all around and inside and just...channel it through to nothing.

Everything seems disjointed. Unreal. Partial thoughts and horrible visions.

How do I go on when everything is wrong?

One day at a time. But even that is sometimes too much. Or not enough. Or both at the same time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. One second of just...nothingness.

Horrible guilt. Rage. Pain. Sorrow. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Jealousy. Anger. Greed. Selfishness. Want. Misery.

One day at a time. Just need to...breath. To hold on. What for? I don't know.

On the meds again, I just can't wait to get on the meds again!

Back on the stuff that makes me bleed (Provera) and the stuff thats supposed to regulate my blood sugar (Glucophage). I'd stopped taking it, well, the Glucophage, I forget why now, but now I'm getting back on it. You're not supposed to stop...but I think I just got tired of having diarrhea all the freakin time. I'm gonna go slow again introducing it back to my system...and STAY on it this time. I'm also using cinnamon pills too, which is a natural remedy for my condition. We'll see how that goes.

I need to start planning regular meals too and not just eat when I'm hungry (which generally breaks down to one huge meal a day; not good for my metabolism.) I also have a problem with the late night munchies.

So, on that note, it's 3am and I'm gonna go make a sammich.

Happy Nude Year, 2008

...I say nude because that's how I feel now-a-days. Nude. Naked. Vulnerable to the fads and foibles and fears and frustrations of the universe.

On one hand I hate it. No one likes to be without protections. What are most people's protections? Well, I guess it varies by culture but I think a few universals apply...like family. So what about my family? My father hasn't spoken to me in years. Neither have most of the people on that side of my family. My mother and step-father have also relegated me to persona non grata, which generally extends to that side of the family not talking to me as well...well, the ones who'd bothered to talk to me in the first place. Which, in turn, has placed stress on the relationships that do remain- my brother (hearing how much they treasure him hurts me, even though neither of us wants that and I don't begrudge him the attention) and my cousins, who for some reason unknown to me, barely speak to me now anyway, even though we used to be as close as sisters, but at least this isn't a hostile type of silence.

Another protection I would say for people is their facade...the face they show the world. So much effort to fit in to the current trend, or not fit in in an orchestrated effort to be "outside the norm". I think I've sincerely gotten to the place where I don't care what society thinks of my looks. And I don't need to fake a face to the world that shows what/who I am.

But I almost revel in my new vulnerability because I hope to channel that into my art. To take the things that have no place to hide...the hurt, the anger, the joys and griefs and pleasures and fun and jealousy and everything that makes me human...and somehow convey that into a two dimensional form that someone can look at...and just relate to. My arts going to be about fantasy and social commentary and the times I live in and, most important to me, about honesty.

That's why, for the first time in years, for the first time since I've complained about my ass-sitting life and everything I'm not doing...I think I've finally come to the place where I am ready to start doing. 2008 is gonna be the start of my life, for bad or good. I'm ready.

Life is a Rollercoaster.

Or maybe it's more like a ski slalom? All down hill.

I don't want to be depressed or depressing. But I'm the edge and hanging by a hangnail.

I've seen a road for myself, and I thought I was walking it...well, ok, meandering it. But there was a pit, a crevasse, a canyon in the way. And now where I am looking down is a road thats slightly familiar, as if I were walking in circles but the circle is so huge that its been so long since I've been here it's mostly unfamiliar. And it's unfriendly, full of darkness and spiderwebs and jaggedly sharp rocks.

The person I thought I was becoming has to become somebody else for awhile and I'm afraid I'll lose sight of the person I want to be. I'll fall into this facade and the facade will become reality.

It's weird how finding out that someones view of you, a view totally different than you expected, can change your view of yourself. I thought I was becoming someone my mother would be proud of and instead, no matter what I do to make up for past mistakes, it's like my misdeeds are always imprinted on my forehead. And she can't see past em. And I've tried for years not to care, but I can't seem to turn it off.

And it's so dark. So dark. I can't see the light anymore and I am falling. Falling into the dark. Falling off of the path. Always falling.

I don't want to move. And I want to move. But moving means leaving a lot of my memories forever. Leaving behind things that have been around since my first memories...and things aren't important...but they are. How do you say goodbye to things that have life because your memories give it life?

I don't want to be on this ride anymore. Let me off here.

Bald really IS Beautiful.

I'm thinking of shaving my head again (or at least a buzzcut). It's almost always a constant thought. There are several reasons-

*I don't like to style my hair. I'm not proficient in styling so I always feel like I'm fumbling poorly to copy what the hair stylist always does. I don't like how long it takes. I'm already slow at getting rdy to go out. Hair styling usually adds another half hour to 45 mins for my inefficient ass.

*My hair is not doing well. At the rate I'm going, I'm going to look like Gallagher in a few years. I don't want to go on any more meds than I am on. Especially that the side effects of the meds I've looked up for hair growth are both nausea and vomiting (things I already have to deal with with the current meds...ok AND increased breast size? uhm, no thanks.)

*I just like the look. I thought Natalie Portman looked stunning in "V for Vendetta" and even Demi Moore looked pretty when she was doing that Marine flick.

*The Hubby says I'll look like a man. Society sucks and I don't care to be dictated to about what makes me feminine/masculine (by society, not the Hubby, who is, after all, a product of society =P )

I found this blog googling about women and hair and this man's wife just got her hair in a "flat top" and I like what he had to say...here's an excerpt from his blog:

"So I get home that evening, walk in the door, and see someone sitting at the kitchen table. The dress looks familiar, but the head had what, in my Army days we called a "High and tight." I figured Janet had someone over so I called out, "Hi, I'm Greg, Janet's husband, and you are..?'

And Janet turns around and smiles at me.

I was speechless. The thing that got to me was that she looks great that way. I've never been a fan of short hair on women, I confess I put women with extremely short hair into the stereotype as being lesbians.

But my wife has made me rethink, and see the stupidity of categorizing people that way, and helped me address that bias. We have several same sex couples in our circle of friends, of each gender. It's not that I'm homophobic, but I was unfairly stereotyping people. I think everyone does it, whether we realize it or not.

Janet tried to give me reasons for the abrupt transformation, but she doesn't have to. I love her, and the woman she is, and the mother she is about to become. It's not what's on her head that matters, but what's in it, and I feel extremely lucky that the thinking going on in there centers so much on our family. So some people stare at her "Look". So what? it's just hair."

Saying Goodbyes

We're seriously thinking of moving out of San Diego...which is kind of funny since we worked so hard to come back here after the Hubby got out of the Air Force. Being away, there were places I missed here, but coming back, I find it was the memories created in such places I missed more.

I know there will be places I miss again (mostly eating establishments!), but I find I am more than ready for new experiences and new adventures.

And ready to get ahead in life instead of just breaking even! The cost of living here is insane. Maybe it's true what my pessimistic side says...that no matter where we live, the cost of living will always outmatch the income. Yeah, maybe I am fooling myself...but all I want to have is a nice house to live in while in a good neighborhood, weather that doesn't make me want to kill myself 80% of the year, to be able to afford groceries every month, and maybe some left over for art supplies? Is that too much to ask?!!

But I digress. The purpose of this post was a thought I had to go out and take pictures of San Diego for the rest of the year, each with a purpose of saying goodbye...and that thought chained itself- what if we took every picture with that thought...would they be more meaningful? What if we lived every moment with that thought? Would it make life be more precious? Or would it just be a terrible sadness to bear all the time?

Well, I can't answer my own question. But I can start with pictures of San Diego and work from there.

"Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down."

Well, the Hubby is gone for a week on a business trip. I hate when people leave me. I hate knowing he's flying on a plane. Planes are scary.

It feels weird having to go through the motions of life while he's not here- getting myself to school and around. Having no one to talk about my day with. I feel like I should be on pause til he gets back. It's scary only having myself to depend on.

In my head I know the roommates are still here, but we have such odd hours right now, its like I'm alone.

The second day of school...

...cuz who writes about the first day? The first day is buying books and getting info and doing lame introductions and listening to the teachers spout out the same goddamn school policies info and getting syllabi (syllabuses?) and finding places to put pieces of paper that are handed out you'll never look at again.

So the second day of school was fun. I squeezed every ounce of creativity residing in my brain out today. For the first three hours I played with Styrofoam. Yes..I just said Styrofoam. Our first assignment in 3D design is to make a sculpture using Styrofoam (which I am) or mat/poster board (which I'm not). It has to be a whole closed shape, geometric or amorphous, linked together. I think the whole class just worked on maquette's (small sculptures that are mini's of what we will be making full-sized later). Mine's pretty boring I think. We'll see.

My second class is painting 1...and I chose to do acrylics (oils was the other choice). I definitely learned today that I have a LOT to learn. Holy crap do I suck right now. It felt like I was at kindergarten level. And man...do I really need to work on my ellipses. I think I'll practice a few pages a day for awhile and see if that helps. Acrylics is fun and easier to clean up but you have to be a quick "draw" (..and I'm totally NOT) because it dries very fast. Of course, any corrections can be painted over.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll get my new HD and can start on my online Math and Anthro classes.

Hope is a 20-sided die.

"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof." -Barbara Kingsolver

I think I lost hope a long time ago. The kind of hope where you always think life will get better. Someday, at least one of the many dreams of youth will come true. I don't expect things to be handed to me...but it's like the possibilities, the windows to see the path to the goal, were all broken and boarded up before I even got there.

And yet, I still plug away at this craptageous game called "Life" so maybe there is still an optimist alive in me. Or maybe it's that I finally have a tiny teeny idea of who I might be, what I might want, and where I might need to go...like I've found the highway instead of just a path. Or maybe, in every day that passes, I sense my own mortality looming over me and feel the desire to pick something, anything, before it catches up and overwhelms me.

So maybe I'm not sure what I hope for..but I am finally living in it's shadow and ready to step on in.

Avalanche

/Whine on

I think I've got too much on my plate.

1.) I have a zoo. 3 cats that are starting to stress out at the kitties occupying the front yard and the kitties that have taken over the patio. And soon we're bringing three of those kittens (who have, by the way, taken to dry food very well but haven't yet figured out not to pee on the couch)...anyway, we're bringing three of those kittens inside soon. That will be interesting. And I have a bearded dragon who only eats sometimes. She needs more attention than I have to give her ... well, truth be told, all the pets need more attention than I have to give them. And if I am lucky, I get to spend another I-don't-know-how-much-but-it-will-prolly-be-a-lot amount of money having a custom built cage for her. Assuming she doesn't die from the "not eating" situation.

2.) My house is a dumpster and only gets worse everyday. OK, yes this is most likely half my fault. I'm a messy and lazy person. Not the best combination. And no matter how much I have to do I keep putting it off. Yes, with my lists, I am starting to work on it but there are just some things that I can't handle right away...like getting rid of about 4 couches and 3 chairs. That takes money that I don't have extra right now to rent the trucks to take it away. And to add to that I have two roommates who are happy to make the mess but rarely help cleaning up. The messier it gets the less I want to deal with it.

3.) I am so poor right now. Like silly poor. I owe my mother/landlord almost 4k right now in back rent and the money we borrowed for the car. I had to beg her for school money and now I have to beg her for money for books. The payments I can make to our almost maxed credit cards is getting smaller while the minimum payments are getting larger. We have zero savings. God forbid something happens to one of us. And I owe my roommate money. I hate owing people money.

4.) I am slacking in my art. I am supposed to draw everyday. The only way to improve is to draw everyday. I'm lucky if I get to it twice a week. And with my art classes coming up in school I'm gonna be the sucky person in class. I hate being the suckiest person in class. And speaking of school...

5.) School starts soon. I am going full time with two online classes. I've never done online classes before so there's the stress of doing something out of my element. Then I'll have two art classes which is extra money for art supplies, the stress of comparing myself to others and falling far short, having no time to myself because doing art takes a lot of time and I won't have that time for my own projects.

That's about it right now but I still think that's too many dishes. It's all falling off my plate and starting to dribble on my floor. And I'm out of napkins dammit.

/Whine off

...And Time Marches On.

I'm worried about Cricket.

She's been hiding upstairs the last few days. Maybe she's freaked by my brother staying over. When we normally have company she hides upstairs. Been she's never hid from my brother for long...usually comes downstairs after a few hours. Maybe she's hot and just likes the coolness of the shower floor. Maybe she's having one of her "crazy episodes" and just wants to be alone.

But I'm not sure she's eating. I check her skin and it seems the normal healthy color. I brought her up some food and water but she didn't touch the food and drank the water like she's been in the desert for a week.

Now she's hiding under the bed.

I dunno. D says maybe we have to "put her down". She is getting pretty old for a cat. 13 this year? I don't want to think about it right now.

If she doesn't start acting normal after my brother leaves then I'll take her to the vet. I hope she's not sick as I really have no money left to do anything about it...especially after paying for Hobbes's last visit.