If you build it, they will come...and tax it.

"You think following the rules will buy you a nice life, even if the rules make you a slave." -Mal, Firefly.

Isn't that the American Dream?

We're bred and conditioned now to follow without question. Or if there are questions, they are cunningly channeled into dead ends. And we know this. And we don't care.

Well, I care. Yet, all I can do is howl in silent frustration.

That's exactly how they want it to be.

And we've sold our souls to the devil for a v8 suburban and 2 bedroom condo our grandchildren will still be paying off when we're dead and gone. Years pass by, only marked by the current sale going on at Walmart- Chirstmas, Easter, Halloween, Labor Day, and on and on; all of our celebrations and religious observances commercialized and sold back to us.

The American Dream...if we work hard enough, long enough, and keep hoping, someday we'll be rich and famous, or at least, have no worries other than do I want ham or beef for dinner.

What a crock.

Top Chef makes me hungry...

One of my guilty pleasures is watching chef competitions. Even if I know they are fixed. I don't know why I enjoy the food porn that is food network (and friends) but, ah well, it could be worse- it could be real porn!

Top Chef's winner for season 3 was a real surprise for me. I never would have guessed, from the beginning of the show to now that Hung would have won. Not to say he wasn't a very talented chef (even if they did try to throw him into the bad guy spot from day 1). I really expected Casey to win. And not because she does or doesn't deserve it but just on the buzz that everyone wanted to see a female top chef. I think if I had been in the same situation, I'd always be wondering if I'd won it on my own merit or if my breasts had won it for me.

I do think it's very interesting how easily the female chefs do seem to get eliminated. I don't think there is any prejudice on the part of the show in regards to sex, but is it that females have a harder time getting into high class jobs vs men? Especially important when you think of all the high priced ingredients that are introduced during the show (hehe, purposefully juxtaposed against the other end of the food spectrum they like to play with...the junk food from the supermarket/vending machines). I'm wondering also what the ratio of classically trained vs self trained is for the chefs...both men and women separately and together.

Anyway, congrats to Hung. I kind of didn't like him at first (a feeling I'm sure that was manipulated from the clips they decided to show), but he really won my respect when he got the shitter aisle in the supermarket challenge and instead of giving up (like "bad guy" Howie), he decided to just have fun with it, knowing there was no way he could win.

Life is a Rollercoaster.

Or maybe it's more like a ski slalom? All down hill.

I don't want to be depressed or depressing. But I'm the edge and hanging by a hangnail.

I've seen a road for myself, and I thought I was walking it...well, ok, meandering it. But there was a pit, a crevasse, a canyon in the way. And now where I am looking down is a road thats slightly familiar, as if I were walking in circles but the circle is so huge that its been so long since I've been here it's mostly unfamiliar. And it's unfriendly, full of darkness and spiderwebs and jaggedly sharp rocks.

The person I thought I was becoming has to become somebody else for awhile and I'm afraid I'll lose sight of the person I want to be. I'll fall into this facade and the facade will become reality.

It's weird how finding out that someones view of you, a view totally different than you expected, can change your view of yourself. I thought I was becoming someone my mother would be proud of and instead, no matter what I do to make up for past mistakes, it's like my misdeeds are always imprinted on my forehead. And she can't see past em. And I've tried for years not to care, but I can't seem to turn it off.

And it's so dark. So dark. I can't see the light anymore and I am falling. Falling into the dark. Falling off of the path. Always falling.

I don't want to move. And I want to move. But moving means leaving a lot of my memories forever. Leaving behind things that have been around since my first memories...and things aren't important...but they are. How do you say goodbye to things that have life because your memories give it life?

I don't want to be on this ride anymore. Let me off here.

Bald really IS Beautiful.

I'm thinking of shaving my head again (or at least a buzzcut). It's almost always a constant thought. There are several reasons-

*I don't like to style my hair. I'm not proficient in styling so I always feel like I'm fumbling poorly to copy what the hair stylist always does. I don't like how long it takes. I'm already slow at getting rdy to go out. Hair styling usually adds another half hour to 45 mins for my inefficient ass.

*My hair is not doing well. At the rate I'm going, I'm going to look like Gallagher in a few years. I don't want to go on any more meds than I am on. Especially that the side effects of the meds I've looked up for hair growth are both nausea and vomiting (things I already have to deal with with the current meds...ok AND increased breast size? uhm, no thanks.)

*I just like the look. I thought Natalie Portman looked stunning in "V for Vendetta" and even Demi Moore looked pretty when she was doing that Marine flick.

*The Hubby says I'll look like a man. Society sucks and I don't care to be dictated to about what makes me feminine/masculine (by society, not the Hubby, who is, after all, a product of society =P )

I found this blog googling about women and hair and this man's wife just got her hair in a "flat top" and I like what he had to say...here's an excerpt from his blog:

"So I get home that evening, walk in the door, and see someone sitting at the kitchen table. The dress looks familiar, but the head had what, in my Army days we called a "High and tight." I figured Janet had someone over so I called out, "Hi, I'm Greg, Janet's husband, and you are..?'

And Janet turns around and smiles at me.

I was speechless. The thing that got to me was that she looks great that way. I've never been a fan of short hair on women, I confess I put women with extremely short hair into the stereotype as being lesbians.

But my wife has made me rethink, and see the stupidity of categorizing people that way, and helped me address that bias. We have several same sex couples in our circle of friends, of each gender. It's not that I'm homophobic, but I was unfairly stereotyping people. I think everyone does it, whether we realize it or not.

Janet tried to give me reasons for the abrupt transformation, but she doesn't have to. I love her, and the woman she is, and the mother she is about to become. It's not what's on her head that matters, but what's in it, and I feel extremely lucky that the thinking going on in there centers so much on our family. So some people stare at her "Look". So what? it's just hair."

The best laid plans of mice...

...and women often go astray.

Like planning to write here. Me...the big blogger. Ha! What's funny is this public space is more private than my own home. And yet...

Sometimes it's hard to completely let go and just..say whatever comes to mind. And it's amazing how disorganized my mind is sometimes, especially when I've always considered myself an organized thinker when it comes to my writing. Seriously, I never had to make a rough draft in school. And more often than not, when I did bother to make a rough draft, I just copied it almost word for word on to my final.

Part of the issue is just not being alone a lot of the time I am at the computer. At least a notebook I can hide from prying eyes, but not a 20" flat screen. But I guess that begs the question again of why I need to hide something I just post out in the world for anyone to read it...because no one does! So I don't have to worry about it! Lol.

Soooo anyway, thats it for now. It's way too early in the morning, which means I am up way past my bedtime...as usual.

Oh, and I like this quote (which I may write more on in the future because it explains a lot of what I have been going through lately):

"Fantasies are more than substitutes for unpleasant reality they are also dress rehearsals, plans. All acts performed in the world begin in the imagination."--Barbara G. Harrison

I don't have Cancer.

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago to start trying to take care of some of my PCOS issues. Unfortunatly, the lining of my uterus was too thick and the doc said that that meant it was a pre-cancerous condition and I needed a biopsy to make sure that I didn't have cancer there.

The biopsy was the second most painful experience of my life, only beat out by the time I ripped out some tendons in my ankle and had to crawl up 2 flights of stairs. Basically, what she did caused labor pains...and she had to do it twice as she didn't get a big enough sample the first time. I swear I don't understand how the human race populates itself sometimes. Ow. Daryl said he heard me screaming in pain, through the walls, all the way in the waiting room.

So, I had to wait a week for the results. That was an intense week for self reflection. I'm 32...was my life already close to over? What have I done with my life to be remembered? Who would miss me if I was gone? What if I was gonna live but they had to take out my uterus? What does that mean to me as a woman? What about a family? I've always thought I wanted to adopt but having the choice taken away from you all together changes your outlook. And if everything turns out ok, what do I need to change in my life so if I ever do see the end of it coming again, I would be less dissatisfied with what I've done with it than I am now. I say less dissatisfied because I think someone completely satisfied with the life they've lived is a rare occurance. Yes...a lot of thinking.

When I got the phone call that I was ok, I cried. With relief.

So here I am. I'd like to think the experience changed me a little bit for the better. I see my life in a new light, both the past and the future. We'll see what I can make of it in the next few months...I am an artist afterall, so it should be a good composition at least.

Random Musings

It's been a very introspective type of day.

I don't know what set me off today but I spent maybe a good hour and a half searching the internet for some sign of an ex and whether or not he married his ex-then-not-ex-girlfriend he dumped me for. It's self mutilation, milling over the possibilities lost and doors never shut, and yet I do this to myself every once in awhile anyway. There was so much hurt involved and I don't know why I can't just let it go. Is it some kind of masochistic gene? Or perhaps, I'm just like a dog, chewing tenaciously on a bone, trying to get the very last bit of flavor out. Pain flavor. And I don't even like marrow.

I like to think that I am not so self centered as to actually believe I am the center of the universe, yet any sign that people that are outside of my existence are moving on with their lives, doing things and experiencing situations without me, makes me experience spasms of intense jealousy. Why can't I just be happy for people?? Envy is an insidious and evil entity.

I've lost, and am losing, friends because of my antisocial behaviors. I go through periods of not wanting to talk to anyone outside of my immediate vicinity. No phone calls. No emails. Nothing. I think people can't understand I don't mean anything mean about it but I just need to be alone with my thoughts. I wish I could explain it better.

I make things harder on myself than they need to be.