2012 in Review & 2013 Projections

It's tough to organize ones thoughts when one has imbibed some celebratory alcohol.

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And that is why I had to continue this the next day! LOL.

Review-

It's been a surprising year (technically two years but that's an issue I don't want to get into right now.) Early in the year I went back to school, not knowing what I was going for or where it would lead, I just needed to feel like I was moving forward. I met some truly incredible people who've stuck around in my life and have brightened so many corners. I am eternally grateful for new friends and old friends that stuck.

I also ended a 10 year friendship with R, someone I thought I was incredibly close with and who understood me and whom I understood. I tried to end it as friendly as possible, with newly found boundaries I insisted on consisting of kindness,consideration, and reciprocation. What I got in return was vilification and cruelty. Had that always been there and I just didn't see it? Or had that developed during our separation due to outside influences? I'll never know and that's ok, because I just don't need that kind of energy in my life. I'm thankful to have had him part of my life, if only as an example of what not to do and who not to trust, and the changes in myself that came about from losing that close friendship are positive ones, so I'll just concentrate on gratitude.

I finally got a job, after 2 years of looking, thanks to a little nepotism on the part of my cousin. And I'll take it. Survival means having to swallow that bitter pill called Pride sometimes. It pays for crap and the hours suck since it's only part time, but the people are real gems, and that in itself is something to be grateful for as working for/with horrible people can be a poop storm not worth swimming in.

And my divorce with D creeps ever so slowly forward as well. Talk about really understanding the term "bittersweet". I'm excited about my new life, scared to death of the loss of my old one (as well as just survival issues), nervous about taking care of myself, and sad...lots of sad. I truly want him to be happy, and me not miserable, and I hope we can work out a way both of those can be a truth at the same time.

And to bridge this post, I have to mention L. Meeting him has been the most beautiful part of my year. He inspires me every day to be a better person. And I hope that continues through 2013 and beyond.

Which brings me to projections-

Health: Continued diet tweaks and increased exercise regimes. Especially since I am planning to run a half marathon in May. Which, is nuts, since I am incredibly unfit and have never even run a 5 or 10k. I'm insane. Oh well, trying is more important than succeeding.

Wealth: Not sure wtf to do about that honestly. I *could* look for another job that is full time, or a part time that works with my current part time, but I don't know if either would accomidate full time school as well. I'm not a kid with endless energy anymore so I don't think I can do too much more than I am. So maybe work on that Etsy shop and my art?! Which leads me to...

Art: Yes. A lot of projects under my wings that I need to get a move on. I say that every year but it's finally gotten to the point where I need to shit or get off the pot. Seriously. And I know it. I need work to sell, and I need work for a portfolio.

School: Thankfully, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up! :P That is a load off my mind.

Family/Friends: I'd like to be closer to my brother, my cousins, my adopted mom, and my aunt. I'd like to spend more time with my friends. I need to work out how to combine these things with the other things I need to do.

Those are my main areas of worry for 2013. Anything else is just frosting on my cake. Or ka'ak as my brother would say.

The biggest problem with education...

...is that education itself leads to stagnant thought. We are taught, poorly for the most part, that this is the way things are, this is how stuff works,...these are the facts right here. I wonder how much similarity there is to people who were taught that the world is flat, the sun revolves around the earth, diseases are caused by sin against god; will people look back on us in 100 years and exclaim "I can't believe they thought E=mc2!"

We are told to think outside the box (that is, when we're not being told to follow the herd), but even that commercialized cliche could be wrong. What if we need to be thinking outside the hexagon? Or inside the circle? Does anyone who "thinks outside the box" think that by being told to think outside the box that they're still in the box in a box?

Which reminds me of a Tao quote I just read about, by Zhuangzi:

I dreamed I was a butterfly, flitting around in the sky; then I awoke. Now I wonder: Am I a man who dreamt of being a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming that I am a man?

We need Foghorns.

It's a lovely foggy evening. Or morning. Both. I love the fog. The scent of the air. The feeling of being alone in the outside, such a huge space that's so close to touch. Hugging me even. So alone and not alone. And the whole world see's the lights like I do all the time, furry and blurry. Ha!

Obviously I haven't fixed my sleep schedule.

Having an early morning snack of left over chinese food, and reading trashy romance novels. Time to get a little more serious tomorrow. Get to work.

Draw!

Happy Nude Year, 2008

...I say nude because that's how I feel now-a-days. Nude. Naked. Vulnerable to the fads and foibles and fears and frustrations of the universe.

On one hand I hate it. No one likes to be without protections. What are most people's protections? Well, I guess it varies by culture but I think a few universals apply...like family. So what about my family? My father hasn't spoken to me in years. Neither have most of the people on that side of my family. My mother and step-father have also relegated me to persona non grata, which generally extends to that side of the family not talking to me as well...well, the ones who'd bothered to talk to me in the first place. Which, in turn, has placed stress on the relationships that do remain- my brother (hearing how much they treasure him hurts me, even though neither of us wants that and I don't begrudge him the attention) and my cousins, who for some reason unknown to me, barely speak to me now anyway, even though we used to be as close as sisters, but at least this isn't a hostile type of silence.

Another protection I would say for people is their facade...the face they show the world. So much effort to fit in to the current trend, or not fit in in an orchestrated effort to be "outside the norm". I think I've sincerely gotten to the place where I don't care what society thinks of my looks. And I don't need to fake a face to the world that shows what/who I am.

But I almost revel in my new vulnerability because I hope to channel that into my art. To take the things that have no place to hide...the hurt, the anger, the joys and griefs and pleasures and fun and jealousy and everything that makes me human...and somehow convey that into a two dimensional form that someone can look at...and just relate to. My arts going to be about fantasy and social commentary and the times I live in and, most important to me, about honesty.

That's why, for the first time in years, for the first time since I've complained about my ass-sitting life and everything I'm not doing...I think I've finally come to the place where I am ready to start doing. 2008 is gonna be the start of my life, for bad or good. I'm ready.

If you build it, they will come...and tax it.

"You think following the rules will buy you a nice life, even if the rules make you a slave." -Mal, Firefly.

Isn't that the American Dream?

We're bred and conditioned now to follow without question. Or if there are questions, they are cunningly channeled into dead ends. And we know this. And we don't care.

Well, I care. Yet, all I can do is howl in silent frustration.

That's exactly how they want it to be.

And we've sold our souls to the devil for a v8 suburban and 2 bedroom condo our grandchildren will still be paying off when we're dead and gone. Years pass by, only marked by the current sale going on at Walmart- Chirstmas, Easter, Halloween, Labor Day, and on and on; all of our celebrations and religious observances commercialized and sold back to us.

The American Dream...if we work hard enough, long enough, and keep hoping, someday we'll be rich and famous, or at least, have no worries other than do I want ham or beef for dinner.

What a crock.

Bah Humbug.

I'm veto-ing christmas.

I'm not christian. Not that christmas is even on christ's supposed birthday anyway.

So what's the point? I suppose that whole "good will towards your fellow man", "family and friend appreciation", blah blah blah stuff is important. But look who's telling me this- merchants.

I love my friends and family. I don't need to have a mercenary society tell me I need to celebrate my loved ones existence in my life one day a year. Not to mention I don't think true friends want me going broke for half the year just for a nice necklace or interesting book.

Yes, broke I said. Year after year Zen and I end up putting christmas crap on our credit cards and more often than not, it doesn't get paid off until June or July. Then the cycle starts all over again.

As the year goes by I often spot something that someone would like and I get it and save it for christmas. Once again, I have to ask why. What makes me celebrate a holiday I don't even believe in?

So from now on...family and friends...you'll get your presents any time of the year, and for no reason other than I'm thinking about you and I love you. And I won't be going broke doing it either.

And if you want to get me something during christmas, that's fine. And if you don't, well, that's fine too!

Oh, Birthdays are still in. When I can remember them... :p

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.”

I almost had one of my panic attacks on the trolley.

I seem to have two types of panic attacks. There is one where I get very nauseous, short of breath, and get this claustrophobic feeling. Then there is the one that is triggered by violence, especially when men are involved. That one is just...pure panic. An uncontrollable urge to cry, flee and hide.

Well, I'm coming home tonight from school and the loud, high-as-a-kite kid across from me starts talking in an overly loud voice, exclaiming about how all guys in the Navy are gay. And that's just the start of his little bashing session.

Some guy behind me decided to take umbrage, either because he was himself gay...or in the Navy...or both..or maybe just took a dislike to that kid. Suddenly there is much loud yelling and jumping around and potential beatings about to happen right next to me.

And yes, I feel myself start to go into a panic. I tell ya...took some strong will power not to run off the trolley freaking out. I did cry though, albeit quietly.

I have many theories as to why violent men make me freak out...many having to do with my father and a few biased stories told by some relatives of my infant-hood. But I have no memories of such, and a strong love for my father (maybe the same kind of love a woman has for the husband who slaps her around?)...thus it remains theories until he decides to tell me otherwise. And since he's not speaking to me any longer...

Saying Goodbyes

We're seriously thinking of moving out of San Diego...which is kind of funny since we worked so hard to come back here after the Hubby got out of the Air Force. Being away, there were places I missed here, but coming back, I find it was the memories created in such places I missed more.

I know there will be places I miss again (mostly eating establishments!), but I find I am more than ready for new experiences and new adventures.

And ready to get ahead in life instead of just breaking even! The cost of living here is insane. Maybe it's true what my pessimistic side says...that no matter where we live, the cost of living will always outmatch the income. Yeah, maybe I am fooling myself...but all I want to have is a nice house to live in while in a good neighborhood, weather that doesn't make me want to kill myself 80% of the year, to be able to afford groceries every month, and maybe some left over for art supplies? Is that too much to ask?!!

But I digress. The purpose of this post was a thought I had to go out and take pictures of San Diego for the rest of the year, each with a purpose of saying goodbye...and that thought chained itself- what if we took every picture with that thought...would they be more meaningful? What if we lived every moment with that thought? Would it make life be more precious? Or would it just be a terrible sadness to bear all the time?

Well, I can't answer my own question. But I can start with pictures of San Diego and work from there.

Cultural Anthropology makes my brain tingle.

So I was reading about ethics and research and it got me thinking about the Nazis.

What happens when valid results are produced from not so ethical means? Are the results the Nazis came up with discounted and shelved because of the horrible ways they got them or have they been used in the hope that
something good come out of it?

And what if it's something not so evil but still tainted? Some of Chagnon's research on Brazilian indians came into question because of the mercenary means with which he came up with some of it (bribes such as machetes). Kenneth Good, Chagnon's assistant, had his objectivity question because of his romantic involvement with one of the Yanomamö women. So, if that were taken as truth, what would happen with the results of their years of research that wasn't "tainted". Is it still something that should be used even though the methods and circumstances are in question? By using it, does that condone the less-than-ethical methods used to gain them? And by still using it, does that send a message to other scientists that the results are more important than the method used to get them?

Also...

Do scientists, especially those on longitudinal research, affect the development of the societies they are studying? From what I am reading (and I don't agree with this idea which is why i got a question wrong in the true/false part of this weeks quiz :P) it seems that yes, if they need to direct a society towards one of their own values, they can do what they can to make it come true. So is this studying a society or molding one?

Deep thoughts by Jenn Handy ><