...and the Lord said, OMFG WTF!

So...

Instead of a "Happy Birthday" yesterday I had a "... Birthday!" (thanks D).

Crickets at the vet, overnight. It's going to cost us $600... just to find out what's wrong with her.

If I ever needed proof that there is indeed a god, this is it. And she hates me.

They say it's your birthday...na na na na na NA NA!

Ack I'm old.

I was originally going to write about how hot I am and how I hate this heat and its fricken Africa hot...and, upon looking at the date I realized it's my birthday.

Big whoop. It's funny how this is one of the big days when you're a little kid and just another year when you're old..old old OLD.

I took a walk around my neighborhood last night... and my hip hurt! WTF.

I told D he's got to walk me around outside now every day as if I was a dog. Bah.

...And Time Marches On.

I'm worried about Cricket.

She's been hiding upstairs the last few days. Maybe she's freaked by my brother staying over. When we normally have company she hides upstairs. Been she's never hid from my brother for long...usually comes downstairs after a few hours. Maybe she's hot and just likes the coolness of the shower floor. Maybe she's having one of her "crazy episodes" and just wants to be alone.

But I'm not sure she's eating. I check her skin and it seems the normal healthy color. I brought her up some food and water but she didn't touch the food and drank the water like she's been in the desert for a week.

Now she's hiding under the bed.

I dunno. D says maybe we have to "put her down". She is getting pretty old for a cat. 13 this year? I don't want to think about it right now.

If she doesn't start acting normal after my brother leaves then I'll take her to the vet. I hope she's not sick as I really have no money left to do anything about it...especially after paying for Hobbes's last visit.

More like "Not Nearly Enough"

An odd juxtaposition.

I can't stand to be alone. I feel like something bad is going to happen if I am alone. I don't know if this stems from traumatic childhood events, abandonment issues, or just random psychosis, but there it is. That is why I adore having so many roommates. I am almost always never alone.

I need to be alone. All the people all the time around me makes me feel not like myself. There is always that awareness that someone is always around and I might do something weird. I can only be my true self when I am alone. I hoard it to myself and revel in the solitude.

When someone is home, I am both comforted and resentful.

So odd.

A letter to the Editor

Dear Me,

Grow the fuck up. I'm tired of your laziness. I'm tired of your angry jealousies and petty thoughts. I'm tired of your fat reflection. If I have to listen to one more excuse of why you can't do what you want with your life...or why you can't even begin to live your life...I'm going to throw up. All over you. Your deceptions are tired and your lies unbelievable. Your shallowness underlines your obsessive fixation with the material. What the fuck is wrong with you that no one else can be happy and going ahead with their lives and do creative wonderful things...that every time you see such things or learn of them, it sends you into a whiny spiral of self recriminations. If you don't step your lame ass up to the plate of life soon, you're going to strike out...and remain the same thing you are right now for the rest of your pathetic existence: a complete loser.

Sincerely,
Me

A Nest in which to Rest

I like this place. This little dark corner of my soul where I can vent and spew and leak all my horrible emotions out and no one knows. It's dark here in this little space on the web and I like it like that. It's cozy here and warm and I can sleep if I want to. I can cry if I need to. I can scream and nobody hears me.

Now I just need to figure out how to post pictures. Lol.

Envy

I waste too much of my life wanting the lives other people have. I want the flush and anticipation of that new relationship, the fun of doing a job you want to be doing, the joy of holding a little one I can call my own. The envy eats me up inside ..gnawing aching festering like tooth decay. The misery of others makes me happier..makes me feel like my life is better, while their successes send me spiraling into a deep depression washed in green bile.

This confirms I am NOT a nice person.

Lost

Floating in a sea of lonely,
Drifting on her empty tides,
Looking for a soul to guide me,
Watching as the past flies by.
Where did all my friendships wander?
What has happened to my dreams?
When did I get old and bitter?
Why is life not what it seems?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Holy fuck, give my brain 2 mins to come up with some shit and this is what pours out. Better not let her loose unstupervised again.

I hate feeling like this. Almost all the important people in my life, the tripod that held me up, have wandered off. And I don't think anyone misses me. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure that if I died tomorrow, I'd leave much of a legacy anyway.

I wonder how many other people feel that way, too.

Blah

The things you have to do to post comments on a friends page. sheesh.