Ownership

Excerpt from my physical journal:

I have identified as "abused". Emotionally (verbal and neglect), sexually, physically. Being a victim has been an embraced identity. A way to collect compassion. Even a way to excuse my short-comings..."Oh, she was abused, so it's ok that she doesn't try, is lazy, failed..." A way to set myself up for low expectations.

If I'm a victim, then I don't have to try because I have a million inner struggles to overcome. If I'm a victim, then failing, or being a failure, is ok. If I'm a victim, then my failures and negativeness aren't even mine, they were forced on me by someone else. My meanness, pettiness, manipulating, jealous, lying, greedy, materialistic, hateful, clingy, suffocating, aloof, cold, angry, shallow feelings aren't mine.

But they are.

Today I claim them. I'm dragging them from the "Lost & Found". These belong to me. I'm not trying to put myself down. This isn't a pity party. If they really weren't mine, but forced on me, then I could pity myself. But they are mine. They are me. I am mean and petty and manipulating and jealous and lying and greedy and materialistic and hateful and clingy and suffocating and aloof and cold and angry and shallow. By claiming these emotions I am accepting them. By accepting them I am taking control.

Just because I am these, that is not all that I am. By owning these, I am also every opposite, because each one is just the other side of another emotion; a two-sided coin.

If I am mean then I am also sweet. And I am. If I am petty, then I am also far-seeing, looking at the big picture. And I am. If I am manipulating, then I am also able to let go. And I am. If I am jealous, then I am also unconditionally loving. And I am. If I am a liar, then I am also a light for the truth. And I am. If I am greedy, then I am also generous. And I am. If I am materialistic, then I am also esoteric and spiritual. And I am. If I am hateful, then I am also full of love. And I am. If I am clingy, then I can also grant myself and others the capacity to be themselves. And I do. If I am suffocating, then I am also the giver of breath, helping to ease the pains of life. And I am. If I am aloof, then I am also warmly welcoming. And I am. If I am cold, then I am also passionate. And I am. If I am angry, then I am also forgiving. And I am. If I am shallow, then I also have endless depths to explore. And I do. And I am both sides of the coin.

Every emotion, bad or good, is mine to control, when I can. And when I can't, the memory that on the other side of the coin is it's best opposite, should hold me in it's embrace til I can feel that gentle, joyful face again.