If you build it, they will come...and tax it.

"You think following the rules will buy you a nice life, even if the rules make you a slave." -Mal, Firefly.

Isn't that the American Dream?

We're bred and conditioned now to follow without question. Or if there are questions, they are cunningly channeled into dead ends. And we know this. And we don't care.

Well, I care. Yet, all I can do is howl in silent frustration.

That's exactly how they want it to be.

And we've sold our souls to the devil for a v8 suburban and 2 bedroom condo our grandchildren will still be paying off when we're dead and gone. Years pass by, only marked by the current sale going on at Walmart- Chirstmas, Easter, Halloween, Labor Day, and on and on; all of our celebrations and religious observances commercialized and sold back to us.

The American Dream...if we work hard enough, long enough, and keep hoping, someday we'll be rich and famous, or at least, have no worries other than do I want ham or beef for dinner.

What a crock.

Top Chef makes me hungry...

One of my guilty pleasures is watching chef competitions. Even if I know they are fixed. I don't know why I enjoy the food porn that is food network (and friends) but, ah well, it could be worse- it could be real porn!

Top Chef's winner for season 3 was a real surprise for me. I never would have guessed, from the beginning of the show to now that Hung would have won. Not to say he wasn't a very talented chef (even if they did try to throw him into the bad guy spot from day 1). I really expected Casey to win. And not because she does or doesn't deserve it but just on the buzz that everyone wanted to see a female top chef. I think if I had been in the same situation, I'd always be wondering if I'd won it on my own merit or if my breasts had won it for me.

I do think it's very interesting how easily the female chefs do seem to get eliminated. I don't think there is any prejudice on the part of the show in regards to sex, but is it that females have a harder time getting into high class jobs vs men? Especially important when you think of all the high priced ingredients that are introduced during the show (hehe, purposefully juxtaposed against the other end of the food spectrum they like to play with...the junk food from the supermarket/vending machines). I'm wondering also what the ratio of classically trained vs self trained is for the chefs...both men and women separately and together.

Anyway, congrats to Hung. I kind of didn't like him at first (a feeling I'm sure that was manipulated from the clips they decided to show), but he really won my respect when he got the shitter aisle in the supermarket challenge and instead of giving up (like "bad guy" Howie), he decided to just have fun with it, knowing there was no way he could win.

Life is a Rollercoaster.

Or maybe it's more like a ski slalom? All down hill.

I don't want to be depressed or depressing. But I'm the edge and hanging by a hangnail.

I've seen a road for myself, and I thought I was walking it...well, ok, meandering it. But there was a pit, a crevasse, a canyon in the way. And now where I am looking down is a road thats slightly familiar, as if I were walking in circles but the circle is so huge that its been so long since I've been here it's mostly unfamiliar. And it's unfriendly, full of darkness and spiderwebs and jaggedly sharp rocks.

The person I thought I was becoming has to become somebody else for awhile and I'm afraid I'll lose sight of the person I want to be. I'll fall into this facade and the facade will become reality.

It's weird how finding out that someones view of you, a view totally different than you expected, can change your view of yourself. I thought I was becoming someone my mother would be proud of and instead, no matter what I do to make up for past mistakes, it's like my misdeeds are always imprinted on my forehead. And she can't see past em. And I've tried for years not to care, but I can't seem to turn it off.

And it's so dark. So dark. I can't see the light anymore and I am falling. Falling into the dark. Falling off of the path. Always falling.

I don't want to move. And I want to move. But moving means leaving a lot of my memories forever. Leaving behind things that have been around since my first memories...and things aren't important...but they are. How do you say goodbye to things that have life because your memories give it life?

I don't want to be on this ride anymore. Let me off here.

Bald really IS Beautiful.

I'm thinking of shaving my head again (or at least a buzzcut). It's almost always a constant thought. There are several reasons-

*I don't like to style my hair. I'm not proficient in styling so I always feel like I'm fumbling poorly to copy what the hair stylist always does. I don't like how long it takes. I'm already slow at getting rdy to go out. Hair styling usually adds another half hour to 45 mins for my inefficient ass.

*My hair is not doing well. At the rate I'm going, I'm going to look like Gallagher in a few years. I don't want to go on any more meds than I am on. Especially that the side effects of the meds I've looked up for hair growth are both nausea and vomiting (things I already have to deal with with the current meds...ok AND increased breast size? uhm, no thanks.)

*I just like the look. I thought Natalie Portman looked stunning in "V for Vendetta" and even Demi Moore looked pretty when she was doing that Marine flick.

*The Hubby says I'll look like a man. Society sucks and I don't care to be dictated to about what makes me feminine/masculine (by society, not the Hubby, who is, after all, a product of society =P )

I found this blog googling about women and hair and this man's wife just got her hair in a "flat top" and I like what he had to say...here's an excerpt from his blog:

"So I get home that evening, walk in the door, and see someone sitting at the kitchen table. The dress looks familiar, but the head had what, in my Army days we called a "High and tight." I figured Janet had someone over so I called out, "Hi, I'm Greg, Janet's husband, and you are..?'

And Janet turns around and smiles at me.

I was speechless. The thing that got to me was that she looks great that way. I've never been a fan of short hair on women, I confess I put women with extremely short hair into the stereotype as being lesbians.

But my wife has made me rethink, and see the stupidity of categorizing people that way, and helped me address that bias. We have several same sex couples in our circle of friends, of each gender. It's not that I'm homophobic, but I was unfairly stereotyping people. I think everyone does it, whether we realize it or not.

Janet tried to give me reasons for the abrupt transformation, but she doesn't have to. I love her, and the woman she is, and the mother she is about to become. It's not what's on her head that matters, but what's in it, and I feel extremely lucky that the thinking going on in there centers so much on our family. So some people stare at her "Look". So what? it's just hair."

The best laid plans of mice...

...and women often go astray.

Like planning to write here. Me...the big blogger. Ha! What's funny is this public space is more private than my own home. And yet...

Sometimes it's hard to completely let go and just..say whatever comes to mind. And it's amazing how disorganized my mind is sometimes, especially when I've always considered myself an organized thinker when it comes to my writing. Seriously, I never had to make a rough draft in school. And more often than not, when I did bother to make a rough draft, I just copied it almost word for word on to my final.

Part of the issue is just not being alone a lot of the time I am at the computer. At least a notebook I can hide from prying eyes, but not a 20" flat screen. But I guess that begs the question again of why I need to hide something I just post out in the world for anyone to read it...because no one does! So I don't have to worry about it! Lol.

Soooo anyway, thats it for now. It's way too early in the morning, which means I am up way past my bedtime...as usual.

Oh, and I like this quote (which I may write more on in the future because it explains a lot of what I have been going through lately):

"Fantasies are more than substitutes for unpleasant reality they are also dress rehearsals, plans. All acts performed in the world begin in the imagination."--Barbara G. Harrison

I don't have Cancer.

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago to start trying to take care of some of my PCOS issues. Unfortunatly, the lining of my uterus was too thick and the doc said that that meant it was a pre-cancerous condition and I needed a biopsy to make sure that I didn't have cancer there.

The biopsy was the second most painful experience of my life, only beat out by the time I ripped out some tendons in my ankle and had to crawl up 2 flights of stairs. Basically, what she did caused labor pains...and she had to do it twice as she didn't get a big enough sample the first time. I swear I don't understand how the human race populates itself sometimes. Ow. Daryl said he heard me screaming in pain, through the walls, all the way in the waiting room.

So, I had to wait a week for the results. That was an intense week for self reflection. I'm 32...was my life already close to over? What have I done with my life to be remembered? Who would miss me if I was gone? What if I was gonna live but they had to take out my uterus? What does that mean to me as a woman? What about a family? I've always thought I wanted to adopt but having the choice taken away from you all together changes your outlook. And if everything turns out ok, what do I need to change in my life so if I ever do see the end of it coming again, I would be less dissatisfied with what I've done with it than I am now. I say less dissatisfied because I think someone completely satisfied with the life they've lived is a rare occurance. Yes...a lot of thinking.

When I got the phone call that I was ok, I cried. With relief.

So here I am. I'd like to think the experience changed me a little bit for the better. I see my life in a new light, both the past and the future. We'll see what I can make of it in the next few months...I am an artist afterall, so it should be a good composition at least.

Random Musings

It's been a very introspective type of day.

I don't know what set me off today but I spent maybe a good hour and a half searching the internet for some sign of an ex and whether or not he married his ex-then-not-ex-girlfriend he dumped me for. It's self mutilation, milling over the possibilities lost and doors never shut, and yet I do this to myself every once in awhile anyway. There was so much hurt involved and I don't know why I can't just let it go. Is it some kind of masochistic gene? Or perhaps, I'm just like a dog, chewing tenaciously on a bone, trying to get the very last bit of flavor out. Pain flavor. And I don't even like marrow.

I like to think that I am not so self centered as to actually believe I am the center of the universe, yet any sign that people that are outside of my existence are moving on with their lives, doing things and experiencing situations without me, makes me experience spasms of intense jealousy. Why can't I just be happy for people?? Envy is an insidious and evil entity.

I've lost, and am losing, friends because of my antisocial behaviors. I go through periods of not wanting to talk to anyone outside of my immediate vicinity. No phone calls. No emails. Nothing. I think people can't understand I don't mean anything mean about it but I just need to be alone with my thoughts. I wish I could explain it better.

I make things harder on myself than they need to be.

Bah Humbug.

I'm veto-ing christmas.

I'm not christian. Not that christmas is even on christ's supposed birthday anyway.

So what's the point? I suppose that whole "good will towards your fellow man", "family and friend appreciation", blah blah blah stuff is important. But look who's telling me this- merchants.

I love my friends and family. I don't need to have a mercenary society tell me I need to celebrate my loved ones existence in my life one day a year. Not to mention I don't think true friends want me going broke for half the year just for a nice necklace or interesting book.

Yes, broke I said. Year after year Zen and I end up putting christmas crap on our credit cards and more often than not, it doesn't get paid off until June or July. Then the cycle starts all over again.

As the year goes by I often spot something that someone would like and I get it and save it for christmas. Once again, I have to ask why. What makes me celebrate a holiday I don't even believe in?

So from now on...family and friends...you'll get your presents any time of the year, and for no reason other than I'm thinking about you and I love you. And I won't be going broke doing it either.

And if you want to get me something during christmas, that's fine. And if you don't, well, that's fine too!

Oh, Birthdays are still in. When I can remember them... :p

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.”

I almost had one of my panic attacks on the trolley.

I seem to have two types of panic attacks. There is one where I get very nauseous, short of breath, and get this claustrophobic feeling. Then there is the one that is triggered by violence, especially when men are involved. That one is just...pure panic. An uncontrollable urge to cry, flee and hide.

Well, I'm coming home tonight from school and the loud, high-as-a-kite kid across from me starts talking in an overly loud voice, exclaiming about how all guys in the Navy are gay. And that's just the start of his little bashing session.

Some guy behind me decided to take umbrage, either because he was himself gay...or in the Navy...or both..or maybe just took a dislike to that kid. Suddenly there is much loud yelling and jumping around and potential beatings about to happen right next to me.

And yes, I feel myself start to go into a panic. I tell ya...took some strong will power not to run off the trolley freaking out. I did cry though, albeit quietly.

I have many theories as to why violent men make me freak out...many having to do with my father and a few biased stories told by some relatives of my infant-hood. But I have no memories of such, and a strong love for my father (maybe the same kind of love a woman has for the husband who slaps her around?)...thus it remains theories until he decides to tell me otherwise. And since he's not speaking to me any longer...

Yay! Half-Nekkid Sunday ;)

Saying Goodbyes

We're seriously thinking of moving out of San Diego...which is kind of funny since we worked so hard to come back here after the Hubby got out of the Air Force. Being away, there were places I missed here, but coming back, I find it was the memories created in such places I missed more.

I know there will be places I miss again (mostly eating establishments!), but I find I am more than ready for new experiences and new adventures.

And ready to get ahead in life instead of just breaking even! The cost of living here is insane. Maybe it's true what my pessimistic side says...that no matter where we live, the cost of living will always outmatch the income. Yeah, maybe I am fooling myself...but all I want to have is a nice house to live in while in a good neighborhood, weather that doesn't make me want to kill myself 80% of the year, to be able to afford groceries every month, and maybe some left over for art supplies? Is that too much to ask?!!

But I digress. The purpose of this post was a thought I had to go out and take pictures of San Diego for the rest of the year, each with a purpose of saying goodbye...and that thought chained itself- what if we took every picture with that thought...would they be more meaningful? What if we lived every moment with that thought? Would it make life be more precious? Or would it just be a terrible sadness to bear all the time?

Well, I can't answer my own question. But I can start with pictures of San Diego and work from there.

"Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down."

Well, the Hubby is gone for a week on a business trip. I hate when people leave me. I hate knowing he's flying on a plane. Planes are scary.

It feels weird having to go through the motions of life while he's not here- getting myself to school and around. Having no one to talk about my day with. I feel like I should be on pause til he gets back. It's scary only having myself to depend on.

In my head I know the roommates are still here, but we have such odd hours right now, its like I'm alone.

It's the important questions in life that boggle my mind.

This lady, Lee Redmond, has been newly updated in the Guiness Book of World Records (`06) as the person with the longest fingernails. As I look at these pics, many questions come to mind- How does she live her life with those things? Brushing her hair, eating, driving, typing...I could go on for hours thinking of things it would be difficult to do..

But...

The most burning question of all though, the one I really want answered...











How does she wipe her ass?!?!

Cultural Anthropology makes my brain tingle.

So I was reading about ethics and research and it got me thinking about the Nazis.

What happens when valid results are produced from not so ethical means? Are the results the Nazis came up with discounted and shelved because of the horrible ways they got them or have they been used in the hope that
something good come out of it?

And what if it's something not so evil but still tainted? Some of Chagnon's research on Brazilian indians came into question because of the mercenary means with which he came up with some of it (bribes such as machetes). Kenneth Good, Chagnon's assistant, had his objectivity question because of his romantic involvement with one of the Yanomamö women. So, if that were taken as truth, what would happen with the results of their years of research that wasn't "tainted". Is it still something that should be used even though the methods and circumstances are in question? By using it, does that condone the less-than-ethical methods used to gain them? And by still using it, does that send a message to other scientists that the results are more important than the method used to get them?

Also...

Do scientists, especially those on longitudinal research, affect the development of the societies they are studying? From what I am reading (and I don't agree with this idea which is why i got a question wrong in the true/false part of this weeks quiz :P) it seems that yes, if they need to direct a society towards one of their own values, they can do what they can to make it come true. So is this studying a society or molding one?

Deep thoughts by Jenn Handy ><

Two roads diverged in a yellowed wood...

I get bored and surf myspace. Yeah it's a complete brain-drain but meh, it's something to do other than what I'm supposed to be doing (like homework).

I always start with my friends. I see if they've posted any new pics or made any comments on their blogs to my comments. Then start with their friends..and kind of network out from there.

The problem is, once in awhile I find someone really cool that I don't know. I like their style or what they say...and I want to send an email and say something but I always just feel so awkward. Like some creepy dork. I agonize about it for a little bit...should I say something? Shouldn't I? If I did how do I come across as sincere and not a total idiot? And 99.9% of the time I just don't say anything.

And I often wonder what I am losing out on by not saying anything.

I'll Huff and I'll Puff...

My house is falling apart. But, in an effort to look on the brighter side, I'll try to see something positive about what is going on.

Problem: My shower has no water pressure.
Silver Lining: I'm saving money on the water bill! And having to use my creative capabilities to come up with solutions for a shorter, faster shower time.

Problem: My bathroom sink has no water at all.
Silver Lining: The cats have a nice cool, dry place to sleep in summer.

Problem: We have a major termite infestation.
Silver Lining: Uhm...we're providing an ecosystem for the natives? And snacks for the cats on occasion.

Problem: Our garage door likes to fall off the track once in awhile.
Silver Lining: Keeps the awareness-of-our-surroundings skill up trying to remember to watch when we close the garage to make sure it closed all the way.

Problem: When we turn the sprinklers on, we have a pool in the front left corner of the front yard.
Silver Lining: The feral cats always have fresh water.

Half-Nekkid Sunday?

O.k., I know it's supposed to be Half-Nekkid Thursday, but I'm busy on Thursdays. I wake up, go to school, come home and and watch a little tv and go to sleep. So, in the spirit of HNT...I'm creating HNS!

I like my feet. Sometimes they swell up if I laze at the computer too long, and they get a lot of abuse from the kittens, but they're the girliest part of me...ya know..besides the girly bits. I don't do make-up, my hair is annoying, and I can't really do nails (art and typing are hell on nailpolish), so instead I pamper and accessorize my feet.

Yes, yes I did just make this up.

The second day of school...

...cuz who writes about the first day? The first day is buying books and getting info and doing lame introductions and listening to the teachers spout out the same goddamn school policies info and getting syllabi (syllabuses?) and finding places to put pieces of paper that are handed out you'll never look at again.

So the second day of school was fun. I squeezed every ounce of creativity residing in my brain out today. For the first three hours I played with Styrofoam. Yes..I just said Styrofoam. Our first assignment in 3D design is to make a sculpture using Styrofoam (which I am) or mat/poster board (which I'm not). It has to be a whole closed shape, geometric or amorphous, linked together. I think the whole class just worked on maquette's (small sculptures that are mini's of what we will be making full-sized later). Mine's pretty boring I think. We'll see.

My second class is painting 1...and I chose to do acrylics (oils was the other choice). I definitely learned today that I have a LOT to learn. Holy crap do I suck right now. It felt like I was at kindergarten level. And man...do I really need to work on my ellipses. I think I'll practice a few pages a day for awhile and see if that helps. Acrylics is fun and easier to clean up but you have to be a quick "draw" (..and I'm totally NOT) because it dries very fast. Of course, any corrections can be painted over.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll get my new HD and can start on my online Math and Anthro classes.

Myspace is da debil!

Myspace is evil.

I'm intent on draging my self out of the entrenching mire that is the past...and myspace pulls me back in. I have found so many lost friends- all people I'd never meet up if there was a reunion because I'd be ashamed.

And the worst part is I'm ashamed that I'm ashamed.